Left untended...

How many blogs do you think are out there that are left like a garden in an old house? Well, I can say that mine has definitely been that way for awhile. Too often I get the urge to write and sit there with my hand glued to the DVR remote. Tonight it was just too strong to resist. Not to mention that all of my Greys Anatomy has been watched and the last episode COMPLETELY struck a chord. There was this point at the end where Arizona comes into the elevator and Callie is in there and just whispers her name...almost like a sigh. She turns around and just starts to make out with her...of course, it is just days after their break up and everything is so fresh and so newly open and festering.
Is it weird that I miss that feeling? Not that I want to break up with my hubs or anything, but that RAW passion. Like you just picked a scab and its so fresh and bleeding over. No matter how gross it is, or how you know you are going to bleed, you do it anyways. Perhaps this makes me slightly masochistic, but isnt there a certain amount of masochist in all of us?
I'll maintain that I probably have more than most, seeing I come from a whole family of "pickers", but I am ok with that. I've been in love with memories my whole life. Self medicating myself on romance novels and fairy tales...idealism and dreaming are on the forefront of my mind at any given moment.
I cant help but wonder though, if sometimes i feel more than other people. How vain, right? Leave it to a 27 year old romantic to think she feels more than the average person. But MAN...as quick as I can turn an emotion off, I get caught in those moments when watching or listening to something and my heart catches in my chest. My breath is cut short and my stomach drops. Tears well in my eyes and I feel EVERYTHING either the show or the song is trying to convey. Memories flood and its almost like I have been put back into the skin of mine when those events happened in my life. And, in those short and poignant moments...I thank everything that I am, was and am to become for those experiences...because love is such a special thing. Everyone takes it for granted...you say you wont, but you do. The little things creep in and your vision of a person changes in a moment from what you have built in a lifetime. But those moments, they take you back and they make you live...Appreciate all the loves lost...all the love you have given and all the love to come.
So, whisper someones name in an elevator. Pick the scab. Kindle some of that RAW passion back into your relationship...and if there was never any to begin with? Close that window and open the door and walk out. Because, everyone can feel that with someone. It may be for an instant, but as that song plays 5, 10, 50 years down the road...it will be enough to clog your throat and get your blood pumping...FEEL.

Taken Over...

The starvation climbed up my throat-
threatening to spew from my mouth.
The greed lodged itself under my fingernails, begging to claw, to reach the wants, the needs, the yearnings.
the music boomed in my ears-
deafening me from all logic and reason-love clouded my judgement-
He bombarded my mind.

Dreams steered my heart and abandonment guided my steps.
Among it all...I was at peace.
for chaos was the blinding light that was my comfort.

~

Grains of Sand

My life went out on a limb today as the Mail Man took that letter.
My fears and dreams are in that bag, soon to be delivered.
He will read those words, but not see the tears and anguish that helped it form.
He will miss the emotion I've had to supress-
My heart that has been torn.

Will he rip it and blindly see red in anger directed at me?
Will he feel that inner girl that lives inside...that girl that few do see?

It's been four days now, since my insides were sent my that Mail Man who had no clue.
My mind wanders the possabilities that could occur when he reads those yearnings-
I wonder what he'll do.

Has he seen my writing, felt my pain and thrown it in the trash?
Or- has he closed his eyes as lost as me, yearning for the past?

I hope the day coms soon, for I can't endure it much longer.
I hope he doesn't keep silent in loss for a solution...
In all- I hope this makes me stronger.

For now I'll wait to see what is yet to be-
For Fate has an interesting plan.
I'll dry the tears and take a breath...
It's just one more grain of sand.

~

Desolation Taunted

She stared at her reflection in the water-
Desolation looked right back at her in defiance.

She smiled right back in good humor-
And, so represented the balance of her own.

She tested her laugh in the ripples of the stream,
stretched her hope in the rays of the Sun.
But, the one thing that held her in perplexity was the world that held her home.

Home was a foreign word-
One of those tales that began with, "Once upon a time..."
A place where families ate regular dinners at a table and not a T.V.
Where dreams were talked about and encouraged.

Dreams she kept to herself-
Dreams wee the fuel to her fire, the kindling of every day life.
Dreams here her home, a place that warmed her when the cold reality caused her strife.

She stared at her reflection in the water-
Desolation tainted her smile.

Hope won out in the end-
For it was what caused her to travel that extra mile.

~

Never Empty...

I dreamed I was experiencing starvation.
My mouth no longer salivated upon thought.
My stomach no longer rumbled at smells.
My mind no longer yearned for sustenance.

I was dreaming of emptiness... emotional emptiness. And, the only thing that kept me living was the hope that seared my cheeks in the form of fat, warm tears.

I awoke gasping and I vowed never to be empty. Life filled my lungs and I drifted...

~

Traffic of life...

Life is a destination... amid to's and fro's, stops and go's-
Caught u in the turbulence of traffic. Crashing the emotions screech upon you. Yielding, the cautions creep to the lights that are awareness.

Life is a fabrication... amid truths and untruths that break upon me like the crashing see.
Let myself be caught up in the tide? Or, float upon the shore like a soul that is lifeless and has died?

Dreaming is a world that holds comfort,,,is that the floatation device that keeps me breathing?
There is a distant star among the clouds that is my focal point...My life's destination.

Can i make through the fabrications and hindrances to be the woman I know i can be, or will I be weighed down a thousand screaming souls clinging to nothingness and sink irresolutely into the void?

Truths left untold can only tell.

Heres to the stars...

~

Questions

I did mention this is a younger me, right? If you are just tuning in, I am posting old poems and such from a journal dating from 2000-2005. Although younger, if i do say myself...i was quite introspective. HA. But... on to the poem:

Life is full of questions and let downs,
Rises and falls.
Do we all posses the ingenuity to pick ourselves up after every fallen plateau?
Can our smiles be so eternally ingrained in our daily routines that people no longer know when to hold out their hands?
Complications are more comfortable than happiness.
People come and go - so the saying states, but is any one person willing to hold on tight to those they don't want to let slip through their fingers?
Is fate a word everyone believes and lives by?
How can a clock run every life known to God?
Where did the simple things go?
Love...
Laughter...
Hope...
Life is full of questions...
Does that mean death is full of answers?

~

Blast me to the past...

I found a journal/poem book of mine dated from 2000-2005 and WOW. Talk about tumultuous at its best. I am going to be posting a bunch (hell maybe even the whole book) on here. Just for posterity sake. I don't see the internet crashing at any point in the near future, but I COULD lose this book again, SO putting it on here is almost an insurance policy that is FREE! And, hell...who doesn't love one of THOSE policies?! Not to mention...with losing my job and everything. There hasn't been much to write about, cept BOREDOM! If you follow me...clearly you have noticed that I do no postings of boredom.
So, if you don't enjoy poems or teen angst...UNfollow me. haha.

~

Venting History...I need it.

I am a messed up person...yup, I said it. ISSUES! My EX shrink said that I married a 43 year old because I have "Daddy Issues". hmmm. You try being raised by an alcoholic father, then have your Mom get divorced only to remarry after 3 months of said divorce to an overbearing Italian THEN tell you after you have endured 16 years of CRAP home life that your "perfect" life was in vane...since none of these pricks are actually your "FATHER". Insert "Dream Dad" into the equasion. Here I am thinking...WOW...FINALLY! I knew I was different from everyone else in my family! Only...wait for it...New Bio Dad doesn't know that you are his. And....que the walls crashing down on you once again!

Turns out, if you have enough money...you can get a paturnity test and figure the whole thing out...UNLESS...you have MY life. 3 Tests...unconclusive on two and then negative on the other. hmmm...either Mom's a lady of the night or she really didn't understand the whole, "virtue" thing. Years pass. I still have an incling suspecioun...call it hope if you will. Grab 'ol Alkie's folicals and do my own test..send it in. MAYBE I will have the closure I need...newp! Comes back negative...REALLY?! FML!

Proceed over the next few years to make it on your own...Mom meets a guy off the internet and decides to move up North...so you are stuck either with the "step" family who HATE your Mother and make it a game to trash her in front of you, or leave the nest not REMOTELY ready to be out on your own. Moving up North is SO not an option. You make due...

For a High School drop out, who has no Daddy, Bio Dad wants nothing to do with her after shelling out too much dough to post on here for an impromtu check out session in Costa Rica for 6 months, followed by a random trip on a bus for 4 days to wherever I could get for 150.00 bucks...which landed me in Michigan of all places where "Dream Dad" to the rescue wired money for my not so quick bus trip home...4 months later.

Please que the violins...it's a pitty party, and I am inviting all of you! Anyways...I made it fine. Got a job driving a random nanny to and from work for free room and board for a year and landed myself a pretty great job selling tile and being taught how to be confident and talk my way out of anything while making incredible amounts of cash for an 18 year old... till I did what every 18 year old did and decided I hated what I was doing and changed directions...(In my defence, I worked for some pretty crazy people...)

Not sure where I am going with this...think I am about done getting all of this off of my chest. Oh yea! My point...so I hear from my Aunt (Bio Dad's sister) tonight. While I want to see her, want to talk and hang out and everything...I can not seem to be myself. I want to ask so many questions...the main one being, "WHY?!...why did he not want me? Why ignore all of the letters? All of the reaching out?"...

I mean...I was 16...I was 17...I was 18...I was 19...and then I stopped. No more letters. No more calls. No more reaching out. Clearly the Man wanted nothing to do with me, so why continue to break my own heart by putting myself out there? He helped me out money wise for a while the couple times I needed. He has 4 other kids...Yes, I was 16 when he found out about me. A lot of time passed that could never be recovered, but really? All of those ages have one thing in common, TEEN. I was just a baby. But, I've sustained that hurt till now. He's on Facebook...now he is my "friend".

Hi...I'm 26 and I have issues. DEEP ones. And, if you do not heal them at some point...they are gaping wounds for the rest of your life.

~

Untitled Wants...

Watery eyes gaze up to the sky,
A heart full of hurt,
Mind full of thoughts...things unchanging.

People who make you think,
Dreams unfullfilled,
Sighs fill the air...love untaming.

Hands shaking in the night,
One last sip,
Take you to oblivion...smiles fake.

Longing just to be wanted,
How could you not see,
A mistake she made...that mistake me.

Selfish yearnings cast upon you,
Dissapointments crash,
Couldn't see the sunshine...becomes dark way too fast.

Didn't want much,
But, my want was vast,
Just be interested...want me at last.

~

Ding Dong the BUGS are Gone!

I am currently stripping my clothes off and making a mad dash to streak down the street in happiness. Oh...ok, I am not really. But, I am THAT happy.

I went outside for my nightly smoke and sat there for 10 whole minutes...that is right 10 WHOLE MINUTES, reading and smoking and when I came in the door and locked it, it dawned on me, NO JUNE BUGS! Not a single one.

I didn't have to sit there in fear, ready to swat at the first one that came within 5feet of me. No EVIL buzzing that made my skin crawl and hair stand on end. No sickening thuds against the wall as your eyes search the darkness for where it landed!

I am sure that my fear of this particular bug seems retarded, but it is my fear and I don't care. THEY SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME! Now I can be outside and not fret...I can night swim without them ending up in my hair and waking the neighbors with my squeeling. Yes, June Bugs make me squeel. Don't judge me.The rest of my summer will be spent in non freaking out, non buzzing bliss! Im so excited!

We head off to go camping in Dorst Creek on the 3rd. And, now I can fully turn my attention to the my fear of my running into a Black Bear. Sometimes fear just rules you. But, I am ok with that.

~

Gives me the Heebies!

Turns out...you actually CAN be disgusted by one person for a whole decade. Let me count the ways...

#1~ When you see this person, even a photo, it makes you want to vomit up the tuna salad and wheat thins you had for Lunch.
#2~ The thought of them actually gives you goosebumps and makes your Gag reflex convulse.
#3~ You are catapulted back to being 16 and want to kick the living shit out of said person for ever even looking at your boyfriend (who is now your ex and has been for at least half of said decade)
#4~ The thought of this person makes your blood boil so hot, you have to sit in a cold shower and let the water cool you down)

Really? How lame am I that this person still gets under my skin every once in awhile when I go putzing around FB or Myspace? Pretty lame if you ask me, but I own up to it. It just explains the type of person I am just a little better, I am a past dweller...things remind me of certain aspects of my life and for the next two weeks to a month, it is all I can think about. I told you I was self possessed. Warned you all, and even myself. But, I still think I am lame. Accepted and MOVIN ON!

I was in love with this boy...like BIG time. For the good part of my life. OK...from 16 till a very smart person told me that it was ok to love your first love and never get over it. sooo I guess that part of me will always be in love with him. BUT, this person is not the one I hate and despise. THE WHORE...as I have always lovingly called her,is. So, for the next couple of weeks I will think of all the evil, cheating, gross, horrid things that she did to the Ex when he was NOT my Ex and silently seethe.

Im going to grow up someday...promise. Till then...hand me the mortal combat and let me get out my past aggressions.

Gross.
~

Rambling Randomness...

What am amazing weekend! It is weekends like these that I am reminded of how blessed I am to have such a wonderful Family!
Spent time at the pool most of the weekend with my Aunt and then had a Birthday party to go to for my cousin. At this very moment I am sitting at my Grandmother's computer, blasting music and editing pics...Gram isn't home so SCORE the music blasting and much needed alone time.

Speaking of alone time, lately I keep wondering if it is an issue that I love my alone time. Ok, I am NOT talking about the once in awhile time that is MUCH needed from time to time, I mean i FULLY enjoy being by myself. The MAJORITY of the time. As in, if I do not get it at least once a day, I turn into full blown bitch mode. Perhaps I should not have gotten married? Since he has yet to grasp the whole concept. Naw, I am happy being married. He just needs to get it! ha. Great...I am answering myself. Helllloooo Insanity!

I have an interview tomorrow. In Ontario...aka the 909 and I am not so hip on going, but Im waring with my desire to go to school full time and my desire for the Hubs and I to have our own place. I keep going over it again and again. I am pretty sure that with this much self reflection I should be considered a Narsasist. It really has to stop. I will most likely do both, nothing like burning the candle at both ends, right? RIGHT! Not to mention...if you are not married, let me just tell you that the amount of shit you recieve is astounding and when you do not get to play with those things in almost a year...it starts to make you feel like sitting in a corner and pick at imaginary sores.

16 minutes and 4...3...2...1 seconds till my photos are done uploading. Must head out and ready my stuff for the interview tomorrow. Just because my heart is not fully into it, does not mean I get to not sell the shit out of myself!

Toodles!

~

Man + Woman = Equality in a Relationship?

My Best Friend is in this relationship...a good one, with the man that she has loved since High School. She is going to kill me for posting this on here, should she ever read this, but I know her, she will get over it :) Anyways~ A little background here. She used to work full time and take care of her son with the help of her Satanic Mother. Needless to say, she had it all worked out and handled everything awesomely. Her and her High School sweety got back together and she quit her job and took the most important job she would ever have in her life, a full time Mom to not only her Son, but to his daughter who is the same age as her Son. She cooks, she cleans, she disciplines...she does everything. Makes his lunches...etc.

When he is home he rarely does anything. Plays with the kids and stuff, but when it comes to helping her out, well...it just doesn't happen. So my question is...when did it become okay for a guy to think that just because a woman does not have a "conventional" job, that it is completely equal for him to just sit on his ass when he gets home? She may not be racking in the dough like he is, but she sure as hell is working all day long.

Am I wrong to think that when he gets home and has the time he needs to unwind that he should in turn work WITH the woman in taking care of the kids and say chores and what not? I don't think I am crazy. Because, in a conventional job you get those breaks...IE. lunch and two 15 minute breaks, but when you are taking care of two 3 year olds...breaks don't exist.

Some men REALLY just don't get it. It is like the line in, 'The Break Up' that Jennifer Aniston's character says, "I want you to WANT to do the dishes."

~

The Time Traveler's Wife Trailer

Gives me goosebumps!!! I can not wait!

~

Summer Reads...

I have been reading up a storm lately! What else is there to do around the pool, when by yourself? Exactly! Right now I am in the middle of reading Julie &Julia. You know, the new movie coming out about the woman who is stuck in a rut in her life and picks up the "How to Master the Art of French Cooking" by Julia Child and creates a blog detailing her events of cooking the recipes? It is actually pretty good. I am not done yet though, so I will fully comment on this one once I am finished.

Another Book I read was, 'Lavender Morning' by Jude Deveraux.

Now, I am extremely biased when it comes to Jude Deveraux novels. I adore EVERYTHING she writes. My favorite of her books being, 'A Knight in Shining Armor', seriously...if you ever want a good book to read to pass the time, it is perfect! Yes, it is a romance novel, but what is Summer reading for anyways?! Lavender Morning lived up to my high expectations for one of Jude's books...smart, funny and entertaining. Pick it up if you get the chance!

I saved the best for last. Truly an experience once you open the page and read the first words. I was rivetted and read this one in 3 hours. If I remember correctly, it is actually a 400 page book or somewhere around there. 'The Time Travelers Wife'

I laughed, I cried, I hurt, you name an emotion and you will feel it when reading this book. I just saw the trailer not to long ago about this becoming a movie, comes out August 14th, I will post the trailer on here as soon as I can locate it. But, definately a must read! I think I will reread it as soon as I finish Julie & Julia to freshen up before I see the movie. I do hope it lives up to the book!

Anyways, that is my Summer Reading list thus far! Any suggestions on books, please leave me a comment! I am open to anything but Thrillers...if you suggest one and I read it innocently, I will stalk you down and sleep in your bed so you can deal with the nightmares. True Story!

Ciao!~

My Dearest Blog...

Dear Blog~
I have been meaning to write, I swear. I spend a lot of my time on the computer looking for jobs, and wasting away on facebook, twitter and other things that are zapping my brain cells, but for some reason...writing is not in my daily "musts."
Turns out, dear Blog...Family is a full time job! One that you should totally get paid for! A cousin from Maryland came out for two weeks and Mom dropped in for a couple of days, birthdays and Family BBQ's and dinner parties...I mean, how does one keep up? Not to mention keep everyone cool with one another?
So, you can tell why I haven't written in awhile. This whole being unemployed thing is making me lazy. So, forgive me? I promise I have a lot to write and I will start paying more attention to you.

In the name of Baby Jesus~ Amen. Please, thank you and You're welcome.
~

New Music~

Next up on the Music Feature of the week...or lately, Month! Is, The Ravonettes. New to me, but I stumbled upon them on iTunes as I was looking around for some new music. Kinda zone out music. I like them when I am cooking or backround music when I am reading or out at the pool. Relaxing :)

Hope you enjoy!

~

Nothing GOOD ever happens on a Tuesday...

So, it has been awhile. Random thoughts I have had since my last post...ready, set...GO!

Was UNhappily surprised when I found out that Drew Carey took over for Bob Barker on the Price is Right. WTF?! I know Mr. Barker is old and all and, I DO love Drew, BUT! I WANT BOB BARKER BACK! How do I know about the Price is Right replacement? Because, a month ago I was let go from my job! Which was on a TUESDAY! It started bad but I am now enrolled in Fall Semester at OCC for CULINARY SCHOOL! WOOHOO!

I am afraid of chopping my fingers off. I hate blood...so I WILL pass out if that should happen!

Today there were a TON of WASPS outside out front door. I hate FLYING BUGS THAT CAN STING! I have, in fact never been stung. I plan on never being stung!

Being a Bum is not all that it is cracked up to be.

I have all the Seasons of Dawson's Creek on DVD and as of today have watched them 5 times in the last month.

The weather needs to get hotter.

If Black and White are not indeed colors, how is it that they help create so many?

The Animal Planet channel is the best thing invented, and have increased my fear of Monkeys!

And, that's all for now :)

How random where YOU today?

~

Death Cab for Cutie, Narrow Stairs

Thanks to Miller for introducing me this to this CD. I've developed an addiction to it, actually. Just proves I truly am an extremist. haha.
Fave songs include:
"Cath..."
and, "You can do better than me."
Check them out...you wont be dissapointed :)
Very fitting for my life right now! Hope it speaks to you as well.

Enjoy!
~