A letter from the past to the past..

There are days that go by that I do not think of you at all. Pretty sure I have even gone weeks without the foreshadow of your memory. But every so often I sit alone and fall back. Sometimes I can even smell you and the pain that twists my insides is just as I remember it. You broke my heart so completely that I never thought I was to get it back. I never did get it back. Not completely anyways. Ive always talked of love when it came to you. Every word I remember, it seems. Every touch and every feeling you ever caused in me seems to be embedded so deep within me that it is a part of me. When I dream of you I can feel the link. Something tells me that you can feel me too…like I have said before…as if we touch in a dream world and feel all the things that have been suppressed, freely there. I cling to that part of my innocence. Dreams.

Do you know how I feel? Do you know what it was like to know that you loved me so completely but did not want me? Thinking there was something wrong with me, which is why we could not be together. Why did you do it? Why did you let me go and feel that pain? Feel the world without you in it?

I needed to write this letter. Im not going to say that it will be my last…but I am definitely going to try and make it that way. Im getting married next August and even though you think im settling. I am not. I am happy. He takes really great care of me and would do anything in the world for me. He really is an amazing guy and I was damn lucky to have found him. He is as solid as I always hoped you would be. I wish I could say that I hope you are happy for me, but I hope that you are not. I hope you feel every inch of pain that I have over you. I hope you feel as empty as you have caused me to be empty for so long.

I know the good and the just person is inside of you. Be the man that I know so well…that no matter how many years have gone by I can still see from time to time. When the wind ruffles your hair and caresses your cheek, know that my thoughts are carried there to touch you only as I have touched you. Think back on the passion and flame we ignited within one another. You’ve forever lost me…im in love with another.

Quote of the day...

I read this today on the bottom of an email. It made me really zone out for a minute thinking about not only the battles that I deal with on a daily basis. But, of the battles that everyone goes through. Inner turmoils, musings, dreams, failed dreams, ect… Not that I was not interested in the battles of others before, but for some reason I feel like I just woke up. Im intrigued to know what those battles are. Like a real life tabloid. Oh yea! The quote:

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” – Philo of Alexandria

It just makes me want to walk about like a loon on a busy street with a microphone and ask random personal questions to delve deeper into other’s battles. Im just sayin’.


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My hero fell, but is quickly getting up...

Hi!

Talk about what seems like a lifetime ago that I have been on here. There is an explanation for that. You see, my favorite person in the whole entire world...I'm talking favorite snack, dessert, outfit, smell and feeling kinda favorite all rolled into one whole delectible person (I always was a tad too descriptive, ya think?! haha) had a heart attack. My Grandpa. I was woken up by the phone call and that started the scariest whirlwind of my life.
It's amazing that I did not get a ticket on the way to the hospital. I never even knew that my car could go as fast as it did. A half a pack of ciggarettes in 20 minutes and a fast teeter on the brink of an anxiety attack I busted into the ER in search of my Gramps. There he was sitting on the bed in a gown staring me down and asking me why I was here. Leave it to my Grandfather to just have a heart attack and ask me what IM doing there. So, I threw the question right back at him and laughed as I realized that he was not lifeless on a hospital bed. He was sitting up, with his shoes on while wearing a hospital gown. ONLY MY GRANDFATHER WOULD PUT HIS SHOES BACK ON AFTER TAKING THEM OFF TO TAKE OFF HIS PANTS AND PUT THE HOSPITAL GOWN ON. Pardon the caps, but they do tend to get the point across.
After hearing the story of his chest pains and the chagrin in his voice as he fixated on the fact that his breakfast is still sitting on the table uneaten, once again...only my Grandpa.
Hours go by and I will not bore you with all of the details. A brief synopsis of the next couple of hours is this. tick...tests...tock...phonecalls...tick...tests...tock...phone calls... I am sure you get the idea. Anyways...He gets admitted. They want to keep him under observation. I can not even describe the fear that struck in my heart. Hearing the news of the heart attack didn't even compare to this for some reason. They only keep people in the hospital if something is serious. He was walking! Talking! His normal self. Why keep him? More tests...two more days in the hospital. Transferred to LA for some more tests. Finally an end to all of the fear and a jump start into straight horror. Blocked arteries...double bypass.
These last two weeks have been the craziest since my Great Grandma died. He had the bipass surgery and he is doing great. The 72 hour critical time has passed and all the tubes have been removed from him and he is up and walking around. They have not let him out of the hospital yet, that should be any day now, but it really brings everything into perspective when someone that you love unconditionally is put in jeapordy. I am not going to get all cliche here, but all of them really DO apply.
I appreciate the bond that I have with my Grandpa and for the first night in a long two weeks...I can curl up on the couch with my tivo and remote and breath easy.

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