Taken Over...

The starvation climbed up my throat-
threatening to spew from my mouth.
The greed lodged itself under my fingernails, begging to claw, to reach the wants, the needs, the yearnings.
the music boomed in my ears-
deafening me from all logic and reason-love clouded my judgement-
He bombarded my mind.

Dreams steered my heart and abandonment guided my steps.
Among it all...I was at peace.
for chaos was the blinding light that was my comfort.

~

Grains of Sand

My life went out on a limb today as the Mail Man took that letter.
My fears and dreams are in that bag, soon to be delivered.
He will read those words, but not see the tears and anguish that helped it form.
He will miss the emotion I've had to supress-
My heart that has been torn.

Will he rip it and blindly see red in anger directed at me?
Will he feel that inner girl that lives inside...that girl that few do see?

It's been four days now, since my insides were sent my that Mail Man who had no clue.
My mind wanders the possabilities that could occur when he reads those yearnings-
I wonder what he'll do.

Has he seen my writing, felt my pain and thrown it in the trash?
Or- has he closed his eyes as lost as me, yearning for the past?

I hope the day coms soon, for I can't endure it much longer.
I hope he doesn't keep silent in loss for a solution...
In all- I hope this makes me stronger.

For now I'll wait to see what is yet to be-
For Fate has an interesting plan.
I'll dry the tears and take a breath...
It's just one more grain of sand.

~

Desolation Taunted

She stared at her reflection in the water-
Desolation looked right back at her in defiance.

She smiled right back in good humor-
And, so represented the balance of her own.

She tested her laugh in the ripples of the stream,
stretched her hope in the rays of the Sun.
But, the one thing that held her in perplexity was the world that held her home.

Home was a foreign word-
One of those tales that began with, "Once upon a time..."
A place where families ate regular dinners at a table and not a T.V.
Where dreams were talked about and encouraged.

Dreams she kept to herself-
Dreams wee the fuel to her fire, the kindling of every day life.
Dreams here her home, a place that warmed her when the cold reality caused her strife.

She stared at her reflection in the water-
Desolation tainted her smile.

Hope won out in the end-
For it was what caused her to travel that extra mile.

~

Never Empty...

I dreamed I was experiencing starvation.
My mouth no longer salivated upon thought.
My stomach no longer rumbled at smells.
My mind no longer yearned for sustenance.

I was dreaming of emptiness... emotional emptiness. And, the only thing that kept me living was the hope that seared my cheeks in the form of fat, warm tears.

I awoke gasping and I vowed never to be empty. Life filled my lungs and I drifted...

~

Traffic of life...

Life is a destination... amid to's and fro's, stops and go's-
Caught u in the turbulence of traffic. Crashing the emotions screech upon you. Yielding, the cautions creep to the lights that are awareness.

Life is a fabrication... amid truths and untruths that break upon me like the crashing see.
Let myself be caught up in the tide? Or, float upon the shore like a soul that is lifeless and has died?

Dreaming is a world that holds comfort,,,is that the floatation device that keeps me breathing?
There is a distant star among the clouds that is my focal point...My life's destination.

Can i make through the fabrications and hindrances to be the woman I know i can be, or will I be weighed down a thousand screaming souls clinging to nothingness and sink irresolutely into the void?

Truths left untold can only tell.

Heres to the stars...

~

Questions

I did mention this is a younger me, right? If you are just tuning in, I am posting old poems and such from a journal dating from 2000-2005. Although younger, if i do say myself...i was quite introspective. HA. But... on to the poem:

Life is full of questions and let downs,
Rises and falls.
Do we all posses the ingenuity to pick ourselves up after every fallen plateau?
Can our smiles be so eternally ingrained in our daily routines that people no longer know when to hold out their hands?
Complications are more comfortable than happiness.
People come and go - so the saying states, but is any one person willing to hold on tight to those they don't want to let slip through their fingers?
Is fate a word everyone believes and lives by?
How can a clock run every life known to God?
Where did the simple things go?
Love...
Laughter...
Hope...
Life is full of questions...
Does that mean death is full of answers?

~

Blast me to the past...

I found a journal/poem book of mine dated from 2000-2005 and WOW. Talk about tumultuous at its best. I am going to be posting a bunch (hell maybe even the whole book) on here. Just for posterity sake. I don't see the internet crashing at any point in the near future, but I COULD lose this book again, SO putting it on here is almost an insurance policy that is FREE! And, hell...who doesn't love one of THOSE policies?! Not to mention...with losing my job and everything. There hasn't been much to write about, cept BOREDOM! If you follow me...clearly you have noticed that I do no postings of boredom.
So, if you don't enjoy poems or teen angst...UNfollow me. haha.

~

Venting History...I need it.

I am a messed up person...yup, I said it. ISSUES! My EX shrink said that I married a 43 year old because I have "Daddy Issues". hmmm. You try being raised by an alcoholic father, then have your Mom get divorced only to remarry after 3 months of said divorce to an overbearing Italian THEN tell you after you have endured 16 years of CRAP home life that your "perfect" life was in vane...since none of these pricks are actually your "FATHER". Insert "Dream Dad" into the equasion. Here I am thinking...WOW...FINALLY! I knew I was different from everyone else in my family! Only...wait for it...New Bio Dad doesn't know that you are his. And....que the walls crashing down on you once again!

Turns out, if you have enough money...you can get a paturnity test and figure the whole thing out...UNLESS...you have MY life. 3 Tests...unconclusive on two and then negative on the other. hmmm...either Mom's a lady of the night or she really didn't understand the whole, "virtue" thing. Years pass. I still have an incling suspecioun...call it hope if you will. Grab 'ol Alkie's folicals and do my own test..send it in. MAYBE I will have the closure I need...newp! Comes back negative...REALLY?! FML!

Proceed over the next few years to make it on your own...Mom meets a guy off the internet and decides to move up North...so you are stuck either with the "step" family who HATE your Mother and make it a game to trash her in front of you, or leave the nest not REMOTELY ready to be out on your own. Moving up North is SO not an option. You make due...

For a High School drop out, who has no Daddy, Bio Dad wants nothing to do with her after shelling out too much dough to post on here for an impromtu check out session in Costa Rica for 6 months, followed by a random trip on a bus for 4 days to wherever I could get for 150.00 bucks...which landed me in Michigan of all places where "Dream Dad" to the rescue wired money for my not so quick bus trip home...4 months later.

Please que the violins...it's a pitty party, and I am inviting all of you! Anyways...I made it fine. Got a job driving a random nanny to and from work for free room and board for a year and landed myself a pretty great job selling tile and being taught how to be confident and talk my way out of anything while making incredible amounts of cash for an 18 year old... till I did what every 18 year old did and decided I hated what I was doing and changed directions...(In my defence, I worked for some pretty crazy people...)

Not sure where I am going with this...think I am about done getting all of this off of my chest. Oh yea! My point...so I hear from my Aunt (Bio Dad's sister) tonight. While I want to see her, want to talk and hang out and everything...I can not seem to be myself. I want to ask so many questions...the main one being, "WHY?!...why did he not want me? Why ignore all of the letters? All of the reaching out?"...

I mean...I was 16...I was 17...I was 18...I was 19...and then I stopped. No more letters. No more calls. No more reaching out. Clearly the Man wanted nothing to do with me, so why continue to break my own heart by putting myself out there? He helped me out money wise for a while the couple times I needed. He has 4 other kids...Yes, I was 16 when he found out about me. A lot of time passed that could never be recovered, but really? All of those ages have one thing in common, TEEN. I was just a baby. But, I've sustained that hurt till now. He's on Facebook...now he is my "friend".

Hi...I'm 26 and I have issues. DEEP ones. And, if you do not heal them at some point...they are gaping wounds for the rest of your life.

~

Untitled Wants...

Watery eyes gaze up to the sky,
A heart full of hurt,
Mind full of thoughts...things unchanging.

People who make you think,
Dreams unfullfilled,
Sighs fill the air...love untaming.

Hands shaking in the night,
One last sip,
Take you to oblivion...smiles fake.

Longing just to be wanted,
How could you not see,
A mistake she made...that mistake me.

Selfish yearnings cast upon you,
Dissapointments crash,
Couldn't see the sunshine...becomes dark way too fast.

Didn't want much,
But, my want was vast,
Just be interested...want me at last.

~

Ding Dong the BUGS are Gone!

I am currently stripping my clothes off and making a mad dash to streak down the street in happiness. Oh...ok, I am not really. But, I am THAT happy.

I went outside for my nightly smoke and sat there for 10 whole minutes...that is right 10 WHOLE MINUTES, reading and smoking and when I came in the door and locked it, it dawned on me, NO JUNE BUGS! Not a single one.

I didn't have to sit there in fear, ready to swat at the first one that came within 5feet of me. No EVIL buzzing that made my skin crawl and hair stand on end. No sickening thuds against the wall as your eyes search the darkness for where it landed!

I am sure that my fear of this particular bug seems retarded, but it is my fear and I don't care. THEY SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME! Now I can be outside and not fret...I can night swim without them ending up in my hair and waking the neighbors with my squeeling. Yes, June Bugs make me squeel. Don't judge me.The rest of my summer will be spent in non freaking out, non buzzing bliss! Im so excited!

We head off to go camping in Dorst Creek on the 3rd. And, now I can fully turn my attention to the my fear of my running into a Black Bear. Sometimes fear just rules you. But, I am ok with that.

~

Gives me the Heebies!

Turns out...you actually CAN be disgusted by one person for a whole decade. Let me count the ways...

#1~ When you see this person, even a photo, it makes you want to vomit up the tuna salad and wheat thins you had for Lunch.
#2~ The thought of them actually gives you goosebumps and makes your Gag reflex convulse.
#3~ You are catapulted back to being 16 and want to kick the living shit out of said person for ever even looking at your boyfriend (who is now your ex and has been for at least half of said decade)
#4~ The thought of this person makes your blood boil so hot, you have to sit in a cold shower and let the water cool you down)

Really? How lame am I that this person still gets under my skin every once in awhile when I go putzing around FB or Myspace? Pretty lame if you ask me, but I own up to it. It just explains the type of person I am just a little better, I am a past dweller...things remind me of certain aspects of my life and for the next two weeks to a month, it is all I can think about. I told you I was self possessed. Warned you all, and even myself. But, I still think I am lame. Accepted and MOVIN ON!

I was in love with this boy...like BIG time. For the good part of my life. OK...from 16 till a very smart person told me that it was ok to love your first love and never get over it. sooo I guess that part of me will always be in love with him. BUT, this person is not the one I hate and despise. THE WHORE...as I have always lovingly called her,is. So, for the next couple of weeks I will think of all the evil, cheating, gross, horrid things that she did to the Ex when he was NOT my Ex and silently seethe.

Im going to grow up someday...promise. Till then...hand me the mortal combat and let me get out my past aggressions.

Gross.
~

Rambling Randomness...

What am amazing weekend! It is weekends like these that I am reminded of how blessed I am to have such a wonderful Family!
Spent time at the pool most of the weekend with my Aunt and then had a Birthday party to go to for my cousin. At this very moment I am sitting at my Grandmother's computer, blasting music and editing pics...Gram isn't home so SCORE the music blasting and much needed alone time.

Speaking of alone time, lately I keep wondering if it is an issue that I love my alone time. Ok, I am NOT talking about the once in awhile time that is MUCH needed from time to time, I mean i FULLY enjoy being by myself. The MAJORITY of the time. As in, if I do not get it at least once a day, I turn into full blown bitch mode. Perhaps I should not have gotten married? Since he has yet to grasp the whole concept. Naw, I am happy being married. He just needs to get it! ha. Great...I am answering myself. Helllloooo Insanity!

I have an interview tomorrow. In Ontario...aka the 909 and I am not so hip on going, but Im waring with my desire to go to school full time and my desire for the Hubs and I to have our own place. I keep going over it again and again. I am pretty sure that with this much self reflection I should be considered a Narsasist. It really has to stop. I will most likely do both, nothing like burning the candle at both ends, right? RIGHT! Not to mention...if you are not married, let me just tell you that the amount of shit you recieve is astounding and when you do not get to play with those things in almost a year...it starts to make you feel like sitting in a corner and pick at imaginary sores.

16 minutes and 4...3...2...1 seconds till my photos are done uploading. Must head out and ready my stuff for the interview tomorrow. Just because my heart is not fully into it, does not mean I get to not sell the shit out of myself!

Toodles!

~

Man + Woman = Equality in a Relationship?

My Best Friend is in this relationship...a good one, with the man that she has loved since High School. She is going to kill me for posting this on here, should she ever read this, but I know her, she will get over it :) Anyways~ A little background here. She used to work full time and take care of her son with the help of her Satanic Mother. Needless to say, she had it all worked out and handled everything awesomely. Her and her High School sweety got back together and she quit her job and took the most important job she would ever have in her life, a full time Mom to not only her Son, but to his daughter who is the same age as her Son. She cooks, she cleans, she disciplines...she does everything. Makes his lunches...etc.

When he is home he rarely does anything. Plays with the kids and stuff, but when it comes to helping her out, well...it just doesn't happen. So my question is...when did it become okay for a guy to think that just because a woman does not have a "conventional" job, that it is completely equal for him to just sit on his ass when he gets home? She may not be racking in the dough like he is, but she sure as hell is working all day long.

Am I wrong to think that when he gets home and has the time he needs to unwind that he should in turn work WITH the woman in taking care of the kids and say chores and what not? I don't think I am crazy. Because, in a conventional job you get those breaks...IE. lunch and two 15 minute breaks, but when you are taking care of two 3 year olds...breaks don't exist.

Some men REALLY just don't get it. It is like the line in, 'The Break Up' that Jennifer Aniston's character says, "I want you to WANT to do the dishes."

~

The Time Traveler's Wife Trailer

Gives me goosebumps!!! I can not wait!

~

Summer Reads...

I have been reading up a storm lately! What else is there to do around the pool, when by yourself? Exactly! Right now I am in the middle of reading Julie &Julia. You know, the new movie coming out about the woman who is stuck in a rut in her life and picks up the "How to Master the Art of French Cooking" by Julia Child and creates a blog detailing her events of cooking the recipes? It is actually pretty good. I am not done yet though, so I will fully comment on this one once I am finished.

Another Book I read was, 'Lavender Morning' by Jude Deveraux.

Now, I am extremely biased when it comes to Jude Deveraux novels. I adore EVERYTHING she writes. My favorite of her books being, 'A Knight in Shining Armor', seriously...if you ever want a good book to read to pass the time, it is perfect! Yes, it is a romance novel, but what is Summer reading for anyways?! Lavender Morning lived up to my high expectations for one of Jude's books...smart, funny and entertaining. Pick it up if you get the chance!

I saved the best for last. Truly an experience once you open the page and read the first words. I was rivetted and read this one in 3 hours. If I remember correctly, it is actually a 400 page book or somewhere around there. 'The Time Travelers Wife'

I laughed, I cried, I hurt, you name an emotion and you will feel it when reading this book. I just saw the trailer not to long ago about this becoming a movie, comes out August 14th, I will post the trailer on here as soon as I can locate it. But, definately a must read! I think I will reread it as soon as I finish Julie & Julia to freshen up before I see the movie. I do hope it lives up to the book!

Anyways, that is my Summer Reading list thus far! Any suggestions on books, please leave me a comment! I am open to anything but Thrillers...if you suggest one and I read it innocently, I will stalk you down and sleep in your bed so you can deal with the nightmares. True Story!

Ciao!~

My Dearest Blog...

Dear Blog~
I have been meaning to write, I swear. I spend a lot of my time on the computer looking for jobs, and wasting away on facebook, twitter and other things that are zapping my brain cells, but for some reason...writing is not in my daily "musts."
Turns out, dear Blog...Family is a full time job! One that you should totally get paid for! A cousin from Maryland came out for two weeks and Mom dropped in for a couple of days, birthdays and Family BBQ's and dinner parties...I mean, how does one keep up? Not to mention keep everyone cool with one another?
So, you can tell why I haven't written in awhile. This whole being unemployed thing is making me lazy. So, forgive me? I promise I have a lot to write and I will start paying more attention to you.

In the name of Baby Jesus~ Amen. Please, thank you and You're welcome.
~

New Music~

Next up on the Music Feature of the week...or lately, Month! Is, The Ravonettes. New to me, but I stumbled upon them on iTunes as I was looking around for some new music. Kinda zone out music. I like them when I am cooking or backround music when I am reading or out at the pool. Relaxing :)

Hope you enjoy!

~

Nothing GOOD ever happens on a Tuesday...

So, it has been awhile. Random thoughts I have had since my last post...ready, set...GO!

Was UNhappily surprised when I found out that Drew Carey took over for Bob Barker on the Price is Right. WTF?! I know Mr. Barker is old and all and, I DO love Drew, BUT! I WANT BOB BARKER BACK! How do I know about the Price is Right replacement? Because, a month ago I was let go from my job! Which was on a TUESDAY! It started bad but I am now enrolled in Fall Semester at OCC for CULINARY SCHOOL! WOOHOO!

I am afraid of chopping my fingers off. I hate blood...so I WILL pass out if that should happen!

Today there were a TON of WASPS outside out front door. I hate FLYING BUGS THAT CAN STING! I have, in fact never been stung. I plan on never being stung!

Being a Bum is not all that it is cracked up to be.

I have all the Seasons of Dawson's Creek on DVD and as of today have watched them 5 times in the last month.

The weather needs to get hotter.

If Black and White are not indeed colors, how is it that they help create so many?

The Animal Planet channel is the best thing invented, and have increased my fear of Monkeys!

And, that's all for now :)

How random where YOU today?

~

Death Cab for Cutie, Narrow Stairs

Thanks to Miller for introducing me this to this CD. I've developed an addiction to it, actually. Just proves I truly am an extremist. haha.
Fave songs include:
"Cath..."
and, "You can do better than me."
Check them out...you wont be dissapointed :)
Very fitting for my life right now! Hope it speaks to you as well.

Enjoy!
~

Nothing to fear but FEAR itself...

"What is it about fear that holds most of us back from pursuing the things we want most in life?"

I have been mulling that question over and over in my head over the last couple of weeks and I still can not come up with an answer. Seems like an age old question asked by every person on this planet. You see, I lost my job a couple of weeks ago and found myself thrown in with the masses of unemployed people that I had felt sorry for.
I've thrown myself into the applying online and interviewing...selling myself for the things that I have been good at for so long, only to come up short. And, in that place where success does NOT breed success, I got to thinking about what I REALLY want. I don't want to be answering phones and keying orders into a system for the rest of my life. I want to pursue the things I am passionate about.
So what is it about that statement that seems so generic? Is it really that hard to do the things that you are passionate about? What holds everyone back from actually accomplishing those goals we set when we are young and have stars in our eyes? Do the hardships that we face growing up actually create the fear that makes us choose avenues in which just to "make it," ie: Pay the bills, get a house, start a family? Lots of questions that have my head spinning...or is that the vodka?
As I sit here writing about it...I can't help but think how pathetic it all is. Sure, I sit here with a cocktail and my brain buzzing with thoughts and ideas...but how is it different than sitting around a picnic table in the 8th grade with friends and Kool-Aid? Not much. And, I think, for the first time since I have been out of school, I have a purpose.
That purpose is to do what I want. To actually be happy in what I am doing. I am 26 years old and the world is my canvas. No more conformity, no more selling myself short just to make a living. I will struggle and do the things that make me happy...and then when it all clicks in place...I will search no more.

Cheers!
~

May: National Hamburger MONTH

I had to do a bit of research, you know...the kind where you only have to type a couple words into http://google.com and WHALAH! endless information. Really difficult. I don't know how we do it.
Anywho~ Here is the article that tells ya all about "Hamburger Month". Being the beef lover that I am, I had to fully represent. Have a Beefy night!!

"
White Castle Kicks Off 85th Anniversary by Celebrating National Hamburger Month

White Castle logo. (PRNewsFoto) COLUMBUS, OH USA
COLUMBUS, Ohio, April 27 /PRNewswire/ -- 2006 marks a monumental
anniversary for White Castle with 85 years of serving one-of-a-kind burgers
to Cravers everywhere. Since the company's founding in March of 1921, over
16 billion signature steam-grilled-on-a-bed-of-onions hamburgers have been
sold. Many events are scheduled throughout 2006 to mark the anniversary
including being the official sponsor of National Hamburger Month,
celebrated each May 1- 31. Team members from the home office can be found
working in select White Castle restaurants during the month of May in
celebration of employees working on the front lines. White Castle
celebrates National Hamburger Month in honor of America's favorite food.
(Logo: http://www.newscom.com/cgi-bin/prnh/20030828/WHITECASTLELOGO)
Several anniversary events are planned throughout the year that allow
customers to be continually involved with the brand. The 15th annual Crave
Time Cook Off competition held in August encourages customers to submit a
unique recipe using 10 White Castle hamburgers and the chance to win a
Crave Case (30 burgers) a week for one year. A new recipe book, By the
Sackful: A Scrapbook with Recipes from 85 Years of Craving, has been
published with recipes from 15 years of Crave Time Cook Off recipe entries.
The book is available online at http://www.whatyoucrave.com and on http://www.Amazon.com.
Proceeds from the sale of the book will be donated to the non-profit group,
Turkeys 4 America, Inc. All Cravers are encouraged to tap into their
inspirational energies and invent a great new recipe. 2006 entries are due
by July 6.
Customers can also submit their ultimate Crave story in the 6th annual
Cravers Hall of Fame competition. They'll vie for the chance to come to
Columbus and be inducted into the hallowed Hall along with the likes of
members of the rock group The Smithereens and Harold and Kumar Go To White
Castle stars, John Cho and Kal Penn.
White Castle team members get steamed up for regional and national
Fastest Griddle Contest events to determine who can cook and sack 30
quality burgers in the least amount of time. This event lets White Castle
team members test their skills and become faster and even more quality
focused when making those one-of-a-kind hamburgers!
To learn about these events and more planned for the White Castle 85th
Anniversary, visit White Castle's website at http://www.whatyoucrave.com. In
addition another new website, http://www.truecastlestories.com, launched the
beginning of April as a forum for Cravers to come together to share their
White Castle experiences, talk together on message boards and browse other
Cravers profiles.
White Castle was founded in 1921 in Wichita, Kansas. The company owns
and operates 398 units in 11 states and is considered to be the first fast
food hamburger restaurant."
~

I woke up this morning and all I am able to do is quote, "Ground Hog Day" Because...you know what? " I got you babe." This day is the exact replica of yesterday, and I KNOW I am headed down the path of insanity since the definition of Insanity is...in so many words of course...doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different end result. Admit it, you are insane too.

I picked up that cool little pic above here from a couple of the blogs I read. Seemed like a great idea to randomly post shit on a Tuesday...because nothing GOOD ever happens on a Tuesday (Thanks Ang!), so why the hell not be random?

I am eating soup while I type this. It sucks. C'mon skinny...

NO I am not dieting. The Hubs STILL isnt working so our food intake is pitiful. Im kidding. We eat fine. I am just lazy and do not want to go to the store or shove another damn hamburger into my hole.

It is national hamburger month. Go on, plug one down...you know you want to!

I am counting down the days till I am sitting in the lounge chair on Friday in sunny Palm Springs. Thank you to the Tennis Club for 19 years of letting me lay down on said lounge chairs. We go every Memorial Day weekend. It doesn't suck. The recently installed misters above the lounge chairs, so I am TOTALLY looking forward to THAT! Hell...maybe I will be so relaxed I will actually put the 4 years of Memorial Weekend tennis lessons to use and play a game or two.

It is amazing how that last paragraph makes me sound like a Yuppy. SO NOT A YUPPY! No offense to any Yuppies out there reading this. Who am I kidding? I have three followers? HA!

*If I happen to have more than 3 people who read this...please leave a comment and maybe I will put some effort into being amusing :) baaahhh prolly not! But, I would love to check out your blogs if I already do not and say hello!

Have a great day!

~

Little bit of this, Little bit of that...

I woke up this morning extremely disoriented from a dream I had last night. Seemed like it started when I closed my eyes and continued until I begrudgingly opened them. I love vivid dreams that make you blink several hundred times to figure out if it was real or not. 

I expected to wake up next to Hugh Jackman, fully exposed and lavishly happy. Instead, I woke up alone and fully clothed. Maybe in my next life :)

Last night I joined my two Aunts and my Grandma in seeing 

the Musical, 'Dirty Dancing'. 

I expected it to be an adaptation from the movie, much like Grease was, but they actually followed the movie to the T. I was slightly disappointed in this, but the set made up for it, as well as the actors. We took Gram to the bar we go to before every show and had a couple of Margs on the Rocks to pass the time before the show started. It was fun!

Been taking a lot of pictures lately. How could you not when you have the best camera in the world? Can you tell I really love it? If not...I LOVE MY CAMERA! Here are a few pics... 

Abstract is really appealing to me lately...

So many things in life provide inspiration. It is weird to think that an object can make you so happy but, I feel more light and free when I am taking pics. I'm quickly running out of memory space before I am ready to be done taking pics! 

Been staying with my Grandparents the last couple weeks. Home life is kinda rocky. And, while I will not go into details about that, I bore myself with what is going on. Lots of soul searching and delving into what I want and who I am and where I am in my life. Some things I am happy about, and some things...not so much. Working on changing that. 

Turns out...hope is not a strategy! 

~

New Music Monday!

Yea yea... Lots has been going on. I feel like I have not even posted lately. Other than pics and stuff. Which I will do as soon as I tell you about this one song, by...The Airborne Toxic Event, "Sometime After Midnight". I even will post the lyrics below...It is awesome. Touches on that one person...you know...that ONE person. Listen to it. Below are the lyrics.
Hope your day is going well :)
Enjoy!

Sometime After Midnight
And it starts...Sometime around midnight
Or at least that's whenYou lose yourself For a minute or two
As you stand...Under the barlights And the band plays some song About forgetting yourself for a while
And the piano's this melancholy soundcheck To her smile
And that white dress she's wearing
You haven't seen her For a while
But you know...
That she's watching
She's laughing, she's turning
She's holding her tonic like a crux
The room suddenly spinning
She walks up and asks how you are
So you can smell her perfume
You can see her lying naked in your arms
And so there's a change...In your emotions And all of these memories come rushing
Like feral waves to your mind Of the curl of your Bodies
Like two perfect circles entwined And you feel hopeless, and homelss
And lost in the haze Of the wine
And she leaves...With someone you don't know
But she makes sure you saw her
She looks right at you and bolts As she walks out the door
Your blood boiling
Your stomach in ropes
And when your friends say what is it You look like you've seen a ghost
And you walk...Under the streetlightsAnd you're too drunk to notice That everyone is staring at you
And you so care what you look like
The world is falling Around you
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
And you know that she'll break you In two

New Camera Extravaganza!

I did it. I got the camera I have been dreaming about. After much back and forth between the Cannon Rebel and Nikon D40, I went for the Nikon D60!! I absoulely LOVE it. I don't know what I have been doing all of these years with a point and shoot. Check out some of the photos I took this weekend...

Of course, I have to start with the Nephew :)

The crispness is awesome. No editing was done on this at all. After a trip to McDonald's and the play place, we all piled in the car back to San Diego. We had to stop on the way to play at the beach of course!

BFF takin in the waves. Again...NOT EDITED! This is in Carlsbad

The foam touching the rocks. I made this black and white ON the camera. The contrast is amazing.

The Kid's work of art. Had to document!

A little blurring of the edges was all that was applied to this one. Blurred it on the iPhoto program.

One last look and back in the car we go. Bye Bye Solana Beach!

After playing with the kids a bit, I wanted to catch the Sunset while driving on the 5 North. It really is an awesome drive. So I got in the car and waited for the perfect place...Cardiff by the Sea. If you have never been there, make sure you make it a point to sometime in your life. It is like heaven has been nestled into the hills and ocean. The town is so quant and amazing. You can see people in the waves all the time and the little stores and cafe's becon you to come in and watch the Sun extinguish itself in the blue beyond. I pulled off with a bunch of other cars and sat on my hood to watch. And, of course...took some photos to share :)

Lifegaurd tower closer to the water...I needed a higher perpective though, so I drove up the hill a bit to feast my eyes on this:

The tracks go thru the whole town. Makes for a pretty picture!

Up on the hill. I have yet to get a zoom lens, but those little specs out in the water are surfers. I antiqued this one a little bit in iPhoto. I thought it looked cool!

and now the show begins...

...

I faded the color on this...pretty cool how you can take the color out a bit and it still looks warm and inviting.

...

...

What a perfect end to a perfect day...

~

New Music Monday...

Loving this band: Silversun Pickups. Kinda a cross between Death Cab for Cutie and Smashing Pumpkins. I got their new album today, and I can not stop listening to it. I am sure I will play it out soon, but it seems like it will have a long shelf life. Hope you enjoy it!

~

Sexy L.A. And New Music Monday...

I am actually going to post this on a Monday. Hooray! Sorry to Sarah for not getting a whole week on the top! I’m sure she is not heart broken.
Going to make this a post as well as a New Music Monday post.

I had an awesome Weekend. Hub’s family was there all last week and went home on Saturday morning, and while I love the in laws…it was quiiiiteee a crowded house. Not to mention my niece thinking that I had forgotten my name or something and even though I was giving her my undivided attention, had to say my name at the beginning of each sentence her little mouth formed. Uh…yea. Duct tape crossed my mind several hundred times…a minute.

After they went home I headed up to Hollyweird to see Mama Mia at the Pantages with my Aunt. We stop by this bar next door before we go in to see the play. It has become a ritual of sorts. It is called The Frolic Room. Been there a dozen times yet never knew the name. It gave me a chuckle because normally the people in this bar you definitely do NOT want to frolic with. There is this woman bar tender, who has had to have been there since this place opened and MAN would I love to go there and park my hiney down and listen to the stories that woman would tell me. By the look of her they would definitely be good ones.

Mama Mia was awesome. The movie does not do it justice, and it opened my eyes to ABBA in a completely different light; an enjoyable one. After the play we met my friend D who was down visiting from Oregon. She met a boy and it was adorable to watch them eat one another’s faces. A couple of my co-workers were there as well and a friend I used to work with. Made for a really kick ass night.

L.A. is a mind in its own. People lined up outside bars and clubs at 11:30 at night. Music pumping thru the air making the area around you totally alive, to the point where you can feel the sexiness…and that is just what L.A. is, sexy. Vegas may be the city that never sleeps, but L.A. is sexiness to the max. Not that I what so EVER wanted to go into those clubs. I’m passed my meat market days, and even when I was in them, dive bars were my specialty. Sigh…the comfort of a good dive bar.

Anyways! Onto the music…it’s a thought provoking week for me. I am on the cusp of a lot of change, I can feel it and ‘One Less Reason’ can always get me where I need to go in my head. Songs , “Pieces of You” , “You’re Beautiful Ending” and, “Sadly Smiling Through” are my favorite. The lyrics bring me back to a time when change was everything and I fought for it with brutality. Brings out the fighter in me! Hubs will find out if he landed his job interview this past Friday today or tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed! The change can’t come unless he is employed. AND BOY DO I NEED THAT! haha

Enjoy!

New Music Monday...err THURSDAY.

It’s Thursday…I know! I suck! Sorry. Sarah is my hero. I love her music, her humanitarian nature and her love of dogs. I HATE however how she only releases like 4 new songs to an album. BUT, adore how all of my favorites are on each album. And, it is not like I can stop buying every track she produces. She was with me when I was in the midst of teen angst, with me for my first break up, helped me get in on for the first time and thru every death I have experienced. We’re pals. We hang together whenever I go thru a rough patch in my life. Which lately seems to be all the time. Im ready to mow the damn patch already. Lets get life rollin!!! But, Sarah says be strong…and Im listening. Hope you will too!

~

Pancake Breakfast and a Day Supply of my Blood...

Sorry to those of you I said I would update yesterday. I was kind of drained after yesterday, so I went home and hit the hay J
Hubs and I went to the Doc’s yesterday and talk about a roller coaster ride, sans the 4092 million dollars to get in to the park.

Normal “get undressed and put this on and I will be in within a few minutes.” Laying there trying to keep this robe on, answering all of his questions. “Lay back and lets check this out.” In my head I’m thinking…rock and roll, time to get groped! Not a pleasant feeling, and am I the only one who feels incredibly embarrassed when the doctor is checking your Kindle-ayas (or *insert your name here*-ayas) and you can totally feel your nips coming to attention? I am NOT aroused. This is NOT pleasant. Can you PLEASE remain at NON attention? Please and thank you. But, of course they do not listen and you are absolutely mortified? Hmm…maybe that is just me. So, I am watching his face as he is feeling me up and it’s not a happy face. This guy needs to be schooled in the art of bullshit, because your face is NOT making me happy at the moment. In fact, it is freaking me the fuck out. He asks me if this hurts, and pushes down hard. Um yea…you just tried to invert my breast. OF COURSE IT HURTS!

He covers me back up and says the stupidest thing a doctor has ever said to me, “Well, you have a lot of breast tissue…ehrmm, ahh I mean you have very large breasts.” Excuse me Captain Obvious…are you blushing? Talk about creep out factor. Maybe my nips gave him the wrong impression while standing at attention, but this is NOT a blushing matter. I didn’t respond. He recovered, thankfully.

“I don’t like the feel of that lump, so we are going to send you down to the lab to get blood work and a mammogram.” Great. Pancake city here I come. I got dressed and went down stairs with the paper he printed out without looking at it. Before I handed it to the lab tech I glanced at the paper and saw inscribed before me the holy bible written in the original Hebrew dialect. There were so many tests that I needed to give blood for, and let me just say, I did not sign up for Pancake breakfast AND giving blood. NEEDLES AND SMOOSHY BOOBS!? I almost threw myself on the floor and threw a tantrum like a toddler right then and there. At least channel the Mutt in me and dig my heels into the dirt like a dog who REALLY just wants to pee on that tree…and that tree and ooh! That tree too! But, I went. Took my shirt off for the second time within a half an hour and let the technician go to town.

Excuse me while I vomit real quick as I remember the pain and frustration of the worst 10 minutes of my life. Due to my “ehrmm, ahh very large breasts” the woman behind the mammogram machine could not get ALL of it in the death vise. So, for 5 minutes a boob she repeatedly smashed and re-smashed me. And, to all of you out there who told me mammograms are not THAT bad. LIARS!!! I went in there expecting the worst and it was WORSE. It felt like someone took two rocks and repeatedly stoned my breasts between them. It is amazing that I did not wake up black and blue this morning. So while the tears streamed down my cheeks as she repeated gnashed my breasts she finally said, “ok, we are done. We can draw your blood now.” I came very near to sobbing. Did I mention WORST DAY EVER?!

I don’t cry often. But, once I start, I have a very hard time stopping. So I sat there holding my boobs to my chest with one arm and the other outstretched on the table as they took my blood. Not just a vial…NINE! NINE TUBES OF MY BLOOD! So, all that Hebrew was nine different tests.
Finally she tapes me up and says I am free to go. I walked out of there like a dejected soldier just ambushed without a friend left in the world.

Bottom line…Mammogram inconclusive. Scheduled for ultra sound and possible biopsy on the 29th. Another day of torture as I like to call it. SIGH
Glad that that is all over. Thanks for the prayers and well wishes. As dooce says, “I’m going to go crouch in the corner and pick at non-existent sores now.” :0)

~

The Shit Hath Hitteth The fan...eth.

Tomorrow I am declaring “Lumpy day”. Dr’s appointment is in the morning, so I am working a half day. I did some research this week while waiting to go get my Kindle-ayas smashed into pancakes. I really am dreading a mammogram. Nothing on your body should be taken and made into a flat surface. How come guys don’t get their balls smashed into tiny cylinders to check for abnormalities? I’m just sayin’! But, the research I have done shows that only one form of breast cancel is painful. And, since I have nearly killed the population at work from the pain shooting from my nipples, I am going with it is just a cyst!
Twice I have almost cancelled my appointment. Not gonna lie, I will most likely burst into tears when they as me to remove my shirt and holster my bad boys into this contraption and not just smash it ONE way, but TWO! Can I scar after this? I hate doctors and hospitals…pretty sure more than the average human. Dr. says they are going to need to give me a shot or take blood and BAM! Insta-tears! I really am a baby.
This past weekend nearly put me over the edge. I’m just going to build a house on the cliff, so when I finally fall off the cliff of insanity, I only have to open the front door and fall to my doom. BFF’s Mom decided to attempt suicide. Apparently telling someone that they have an overdose with their name on it, while may be truth…isn’t the correct thing to say. Especially when they take that to heart. Oopse. I went to church this Sunday for that one. When normal shit hits the fan it hits and tiny shards rain down. Lately, when MY shit hits the fax, its wet shit and COVERS THE ROOM!
I’m knee deep at the moment and could really use a paddle. Ladder? Anyone?...Bueller?
Positive thinking is my thing. Got a whole lotta thinking going on. Thinkin away. Think some my way, if you get the chance. :0)
How do you all handle stressful situations?

~

New Music Monday...

Drum roll please….ADELE makes the top notch list this week. She’s innovative and fresh; Thought provoking and mellow. She just plain rocks!!
Her hits right now include: ‘Chasing Pavement’ and a remake of, ‘Make you feel my love’. But, I would have to say that my favorite on this album is, ‘Hometown Glory’. I hope you enjoy her Album, ‘19’ and her voice as much as I do.

Enjoy!

~

Ode to PJ Pants...

I have an unnatural love for PJ pants. I get home from work and whalah...feet first dive into them. Bad day...pajama pants. Good day...pajama pants. Sick...pajama pants. I'm sure you're catching my drift. I LOVE ME SOME PAJAMA PANTS. One day I will work at a Company that lets you wear PJ's to work. I have even repeatedly dressed in PJ pants on Halloween just for the sake of wearing them to a bar or some of my favorite places. I've been "sick", I've been "tired", I have even thrown my hair into piggy tails, plopped a Binky in my mouth and gone as a "baby"!
So, I have compiled a list of my favorite PJ pants and the places/links to get them. Each one is special in a different way, and I love them all as I would if I had a bagazillion children:)

http://www.zappos.com/product/7483170/color/203874
These are SO soft, and yes i spent 42.00 on PJ's. You spend most of your life sleeping...thousands on mattresses, why not 42.00 for the ultimate comfort WHILE in your uber expensive sleep number bed? I like the crop PJ pant because the long ones always end up where these end anyways, not to mention they are great for Summer! or running out for ice cream :)

http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=5516&pid=653474&scid=653474082
Bermuda fishies!! Nothing screams "YAY PJ's" more than these! I love the ocean and these fishies make me happy as I pull them on. Not to mention they are 10.00!! Amen, Old Navy. These are light and airy. Feels like you have the bare minimum on!
And last but not least...I could not resist these. You cant wear them out, but MAN these slub shorts from VS are awesome to lounge in bed on a lazy Saturday. SO SO soft.
http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=CM-236653&page=1&cgname=OSSLPLOUBOT&rfnbr=5247 16.00 Victoria Secret.
All this talk of PJ's is making me sleepy.
Happy comfy slumbering!!

~

When you just want to take off your bra and blast your nips...

I have a lump in my upper mountain region. I'm going to call them the Kindle-ayas. I found it yesterday as I was um…rearranging the girls and pain shot straight through my nipple and attacked everyone within a 5 mile radius. Those people must have been cleaned up since leaving work, as they were not there this morning. Thank God. Could you imagine the law suit I would be facing?
So I got in the shower when I got home and gave myself the “self exam.” There it was. Not hard but kind of squishy and moved with my fingers, but definitely a lump. I had the Hubs feel me up to double check. He confirmed my fears and tried to convince me to go to the Emergency Room. I have an appointment for a physical next Tuesday so I am going to wait until then.
In the mean time I named it ‘Lumpy’. Lumpy says Hi, by the way. We chilled today. Went to Sushi for lunch and just hung around. Lumps is really sensitive and not very understanding of my feelings at all. Which is why I decided that Lumpy is a Man. Only a man could hurt like a bitch and bring so much worry to someone.
Yes, I am trying to make light of the situation, but the bottom line is…I'm freaked. Breast Cancer has run rampant in my family for a long time, as well as cysts and crap like that. I will feel much better after I know what it is. But, if it is Cancer…I’m going to be pissed.
Figured I would feel much better if I wrote about it, and isn’t that what a blog is for? So, I am writing and yes…yes it feels good to let it all out.
In the mean time, if you are within a five mile radius of my Kindle-ayas…run. The nips are on the war path and you could be caught in the spitting pain being shot from them. Just a warning.

~

The attack of the Booger Monster

Went to San Diego to hang with the Best Friend and Nephew this past weekend. Packed my bag after work on Friday, plugged the pod into the speakers and off I ventured. Second weekend in a row with NO TRAFFIC! Wahooo!!! If you live in LA/Orange County, CA you know what I mean by the celebration. Although I do often enjoy a good bout of traffic every once in awhile, because how else can you play the, "who picks their nose game?" C'mon people! It is a CAR with WINDOWS. Just because you FEEEEEL like you are in your own personal space does not mean that no one can see in. One question though, most people who are totally going to town on the booger hunt do not look like they have any tissue, otherwise they would use that, correct? And, they do not have their windows down...hense no flickability. So...Where do the boogers go? hmm. Im going to leave that to the ponder box. Im just sayin'!

Anyways~ Back to weekend. Was an a fun filled, hysterical weekend. Took the Nephew all day Saturday while BFF went to pick up her Man's kiddo. We went to my Cousin's little league game, which i figured, short attention span 3 year old and a little league game mixed would last about 20 minutes max. BOYYYY was I wrong. This kid sat there the WHOLE game and two more after that. LOVED the baseball. Mass destruction to the snack shack included:

3 hot dogs
1 bag of Cheeto Puffs

1 plate of Nachos

4 bottles of Water

2 Slushies

and a black toilet that he refused to pee in because, "It's scary."

I never thought the day would come when an alimunum toilet was scary. But, oh! how the three year old showed me the way. Which ended our day at the park as we raced to my Aunt's house down the way while he confidently told me, " Im holding my pee Auntie Kindle, I am, I really am." Here are a few pics from the park:

Had to play like the "kids". He is a slugger too! Keeps his eye on the ball and WHAM, that sucker flies!

And if you do not hit it like you are supposed to...

Golf it like it is nobody's Bidnezz...

And last but definately not least...who can resist a Cheeto smile such as this?

Encore you say? Well...I did not see any random people picking their nose. But, the Nephew never dissapoints!

Night All!

~

New Music Mondays...

I lagged last week. Oopse! So I deem today and every Monday, "NEW MUSIC MONDAY!" Rock out. Get down. Dance nekkid in the rain while blaring these from your computer speakers from out the window. Try it, you MAY just get addicted. :0)

Im kickin it up a notch this week. Shinedown blared in my ears this weekend to and from San Diego as I visited the Best Friend and Nephew. Had an awesome time. Will post pics and some funny convo's tonight when I get home from le'work. But, they are an awesome band. Been around for forever but totally do not get the proper YAHOO from local radio stations here in CA.

So, enjoy and have a fantabulous Monday (is there such a thing?)

~

Focus on the Red White and Blue...

I was listening to http://www.kroq-data.com/kevinandbean/index.asp
this morning on the radio and this man was talking about Obama. I guess he is some dude who is petitioning for the release for the President’s Birth Certificate. He was really fired up about not seeing said Birth Certificate and not having any authenticity of Obama being a full on United States citizen. Here is the link that you can go to, to check out this whack job’s stats. http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=81550

Apparently there are some 300,000 signatures that have joined the band wagon of needing proof that Obama is legal and not an immigrant.
What irks me is, he is already the President of United States. OBVIOUSLY his records have already been checked out, otherwise he would not even been able to run, correct? Why do Politicians feel the need to exploit one another? And, not exploit on a factual basis…but on speculation and gossip stories.

I in no way follow the battiness of Politics. I’m a go with the flow, if the person that I vote for does not get elected, then you support who does. No matter who IS President. They ARE our leader. I believe that they are doing what they can to make this Country run better. Everyone has different ideas and thoughts on what will make it better, but the bottom line is there is one common goal to make our Country a better place. Lets focus on THAT and not try to take down what is already in place. It is a waste of energy, time and brain cells if you ask me. I think there are bigger fish to fry right now, with the way our Economy is. Take all of that hate and that hostility and apply it to conquering REAL problems.

Stop the madness. Seriously.

~

The Real Oprah...

I just wrote this whole post in Hindu for shits and giggles. I didn't even know that you could DO that, but I hit that little button I guess and WHALAH! Hindunese appeared on my blog! (I love how I am constantly amused by little things.)

Anywho~ I like to Twitter. If you have a blog, you most likely know what Twitter is, but if you should happen to not be so fortunate, check out this site (please god let my links be working!)http://twitter.com/.

Twitter is basically a mini blog for updates or random thoughts if you do not have a pad of paper or don't feel like posting a whole post on your blog. IN FACT...I think it would be a great thing for people with Turrets to use as an outlet. And, in no way what so ever am I bagging on people with this disease. I actually think it is the best disease to have, in the way of diseases go.

Just think, you are working in your little cubical amid the cube farm in your cubey little office and instead of screaming at the top of your lungs, DUNG HEAP or whatever clever little expletive or word pops into you head and launches out your mouth at that moment, you text it to 40404 and BOOYAH...there it is online.

I'm getting distracted again by my excitement. So, I twitter. Bottom line. I log onto the server today at work this morning and open my email. There sitting in my inbox is an email from Twitter! I open it up and read..."Oprah is now following you, yes the REAL OPRAH, is now following you on Twitter. Click the link below if you would like to check out Oprah's profile." Of course I click the link and there in front of my as the page loads is THE REAL OPRAH!

I was completely taken aback. I wonder if she will ever speak to me. I daydreamed all day of getting a little message on my Twitter page saying random @Kinder posts.

Oprah makes me happy. Twitter makes me happy. I'm just HAPPY today!

~

READ THIS!

Hi!

So my favorite Blogger wrote a book and it came out today! Not sure if any of you are familiar with but, she is HIL...wait for it...ARIOUS! You should totally check out her site and her book.

It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita
by Heather Armstrong (Author)

You can get it here!



Let me just tell you, when I got turned onto this site, i laughed till i was seeing yellow (wow, yellow is the color of the day!!) I loved it so much that I went ALLLL the way back to the begining of her archives (she started her blog in 2001) and read from the begining. True story.

I adore hearing of her travels and how she has blown up fame wise and is still grounded and awesome. Anyways...check out her book. You wont be dissapointed. I mean, how could you with that title?

Im just sayin.

~

Attack of the Tinkler...take 2!

I think I have CAUGHT the Tinkler! So, I am in the bathroom stall and you know when you are bout ready to...well...go and then someone walks in and it is like no matter that you are just needing to go numero UNO...God stuffed the straw of life in your bladder and sucked it back up. Seriously God? I was SO almost there. So you wait till your bladder is at that point again and uhp...there goes the door again.

Clearly I needed to focus on something else, so why not the stall next to me! No I am not a peepee peeper, by no means am I. But, have you ever noticed other people's rituals. Mine for instance is, close door, paper cover, pants and sit. THIS person next to me took it wayyyy out perportion. i could hear the paper cover...shuffle shuffle. then...toilet paper? Being lined ON TOP of the paper cover. more shuffling. Shoe appears...so some bracing is going on. And then it happened. No sitting noise. none what so ever. And then the shower faucet was turned on and you could her the splatter. toilet paper and flush.

I waited a minute, trying not to judge. Trying not to GAG. Went about my business of course AFTER the supposed Tinkler had fled and peeked in the stall next to me. There it was...The Tinkler attacked. The stall a mess. I wanted to write a note on the bathroom stall walls. It would state,

" Dear Tinkler... YOU...YEA YOU! you did it again. you managed to cover the whole stall in toilet paper and paper covers and then you unleashed your beast and managed NOT TO HIT ANY TOILET PAPER. You did however hit everything within the 5 mile radius of your bum. SO gross man. Im on to you. You wear white sneakers with funky green laces. I'll find you..."

I didn't though. But, I did tell the cleaning lady there was a yellow light special on isle 4.

Donate a Mamogram...

Received this forward today at work. Please click on the link. Even though we do not have a cure for breast cancer, the more we all click on this link, the more women will find out hopefully at an early state to where they are able to do treatment and beat it!


Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle).


This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.



http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

THANKS!
~

The letter...

Today I wrote you a letter. A letter you will never get.
Today I wrote you a letter. A letter I will never forget.
I sat upon this very chair and slowly bowed my head.
Put pen upon the paper and just let the writing begin…

I wrote to you of days gone by. Of the things that you have missed.
I wrote to you of memories, of times we both cherished.
I explained the life I now lead, without you by my side.
I described the ocean you used to love, of the coming of the tide.

In the letter I poured my heart, and left you some lonely tears too.
In the letter I heard your voice talking back, I knew I hadn’t completely lost you.

I took this letter and put it in an envelope, an envelope with no address.
I took this letter to the shore with a bottle, a bottle that could accept natures stress.
I slipped in my letter and sealed the top, and let if fly with a vengeance.
I watched it fall and bobble to the surface, watching until I could only see its top edges.

Today I wrote you a letter. A letter you will never get.
Today I wrote you a letter. A letter I will never forget.
I sat down on the sand and wept and slowly bowed my head.
Raised my tear stained face to the heavens, and finally accepted your death.

You see, today I wrote myself a letter. A letter of goodbye.
Today I wrote myself a letter, to finally stop living a lie...

~

A Quick Rant...

Im annoyed. My name is Kindle and I am annoyed. I get a random text from the Hubs this morning that says, "are you mad at me?" I racked my brain to see if I had done or said anything last night or this morning to indicate said madness. But, couldn't think of anything. I replied back, "Nope." I didn't drink last night, so there were no black out periods in my sometimes shot filled head. All was good.
Normal day at work. On my way home, traffic. BAD traffic. What is WITH people who drive in Orange County? It used to be that their cell phones were glued to their heads, but THATS ILLEGAL NOW! Shouldn't that CLEAR some of the idiot-ness? Guess not.
Get home and there sitting at the counter with a steak bone in his mouth is the Hubs. Hi there unemployed sweetie...thanks for waiting for me to get home before you started eating. humph At least he asked how my day was?
I have yet to say two words since I got home. I think I am even annoyed to hear my own voice. No idea where this came from. Hope it goes away soon. But, for now I am going to eat some ice cream with that delish magic chocolate covering that gets hard as soon as it gets cold and watch ANTM.

ps...Tyra Banks is the bane of my existence, but I am a sucker for a good Reality TV trainwreck that I can not just say no to Tyra.

sigh

~

I want I want I want!!

I could very well become a very materialistic person. I don't waaaannnttt to be persay, but maaan! Wouldn't it be nice to have all the THINGS that are cool and swanky and make you go, oooooohhh ahhhhhhh? I think so.(Did I just say swanky?) And, I wouldn't use them for evil. Pinky swear! I want this camera so I can start a really learning about photography and such...

And, you have to have good photo editing software and such...so this would have to come with it...

iLife...Garageband...movie maker...iPhoto *sigh* Yes, a computer and a camera made me sigh.
Wanting these two things does not make me realistic, right? I truly beleive that if I had these things I could make some money off of them. Set some poetry to music...edit some artsy shots. Take pictures of kids in their natural environment and sell them to their parents as "school pictures" minus the stiff backround and the comb over!
Of course I would love to have a new car and a house and stuff, but I'll just start with these two :) Not OVERYLY materialistic if you ask me! Only about 5 grand worth of stuff. Stuff I can't take with me when I am dead. Can you smell the newness of it all? I am getting giddy just dreaming about it!

~

Disney Conversation with a 3 year old...

Kyle: Where’s Daisy?! Kyle wants to see Daisy.
Me: Ok, lets go find her.

Twenty minutes later, not finding Daisy…

Kyle: Where’s Daisy?! Kyle wants to see Daisy!
Me: Daisy is sick love…we can’t see her today.
Kyle: oh. Daisy is sick. Poor Daisy. Where’s Donald?!
Me: Donald is working on his car.
Kyle: oh.
Me: LOOK?! Buzz Lightyear!

Ode to a Best Friend...

My Best friend is moving tomorrow. I promised to not pout too much outwardly tonight when I helped her take care of the munchkin and pack.. It is not like she is moving to Costa Rica or anything but she will no longer be a 15 minute drive down the freeway anymore either. I joke with her and tell her she is moving to Northern Mexico as you can see the border from her new apartment complex. She laughs. She always laughs at me. In fact, she makes me feel like I am the funniest person in the world.
She’s been my best friend for 18 years. I don’t have anything in my life that I have had longer than her. Well, besides my family. But, I can’t help that! I know our friendship is not going anywhere, but the easy access is a nice thing to have (that’s what he said).
We smoked out first cigarette together when we were 11. Don’t worry, it did not take! Mom was sleeping on the couch sawing logs and we were making pixie sticks. Most likely one of my hair brain ideas, I had so many while we were growing up. We looked in the freezer to see what else we could put into the straws to make the pixie sticks even more delish when low and behold…smokes! Yes, yes it was my idea to try them…see what she had to put up with all of these years? Two hair brained ideas in one night! You can imagine what it was like to be her while being my best friend. We snuck outside and lit it up. I don’t even think we inhaled and I am pretty sure we did not think we were cool at all, but it was experience none the less. One we would put away until we were at least 15. Then it was HER idea to try them again. Unfortunately…that time did stick. And, we’ve been adventure seeking smokers since.
We had an addiction to the wiji board on Friday nights. Nothing ever happened of course, but we always tried. And, of course I would be the one to make it move and pretend it was some dead relative because I could keep my face straight as I swore, “I'M NOT MOVING IT, PINKY PROMISE!” Clearly I broke a lot of pinky promises. But the important ones I would always keep.
She was the first person I called after losing my virginity. I remember telling her and then having my Step Dad drop me off at her house to spend the night to tell her the gory details. When our parents would fight or we would fight with our parents we always would “run away” to one another’s houses. Our imaginations led us from concerts as Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston when we were in elementary school to our first dates with guys we had crushes on. We told one another everything and nothing we could ever do would ever make us judge one another. Our friendship was and is to this day a place where no judgment exists…where we know one another’s deepest secrets and trust is just second nature.
When she gave birth to my nephew she became not only one of the biggest lights in my life, she created another glowing light.

She stood by me as I got married to the Hubs and offered to be the escape car if I had any second thoughts. We both have experienced our lives together. She is my sister of the heart and soul. Best Friend to the end…
Tomorrow she starts her life. The life I always knew she deserved, with the only man I ever thought deserved her. I’m getting teary eyed writing this, so I’m going to stop. Love you Candy…

The Fray ~ the fray

As promised...I have updated my music section. LOVE The Fray's new self titled album. Check it out. Their lyrics are good, melodies better. I am definitely not disappointed with their second album.
You never know how an artist will be after their first album hits big...so I was pleasantly surprised that they stuck to who they are and created an even better second album.

Enjoy!

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Rachel Ray Furi Knives...

There is something to be said about a lazy Saturday. I am so CALM today. I woke up and went straight for the kitchen. Got started on making a beef and vegetable stew. Adding everything to the crock pot and setting it on high for four hours. I am sitting here on the couch as the smells waft through the house. My only regret was not waiting a half an hour to start chopping and making the stew, because my new knives got here today!!! I adore http://amazon.com/. Check out these knives:

I got this set from my Grandma for Christmas/Birthday as a gift. They are 60.00 dollars at Costco and it comes with the sharpener as a set. They make cutting anything like cutting a stick of butter. I loved them so much that I could not refrain from getting the complete set.

The grips on the knives fit perfectly in your hand. I find myself using the techniques that Top Chefs use. It is so easy to do! These are the best knives in the world. The set was not the one above, as I already had the set of two. So I got the utility set, with the scissors and bread knives and a couple pairing and boning knives. 50.00 on http://amazon.com. A 110.00 dollars for an awesome set of knives and a sharpener that I do not know what I have done without all of this time!

If you like to cook and are suffering with the frustration of a blade dulling after you have cut one potatoe, this is the best investment you could make! Im not too big of a fan of Rachel Ray, but her products definately do not dissapoint.

Now I am off to the store to get a kit for sourdough bread. Time to break open the bread maker Hubs and I got for our wedding. Because, what stew would be complete without fresh homeade sourdough bread?!

YUM!

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