Thursday, September 17, 2009
threatening to spew from my mouth.
The greed lodged itself under my fingernails, begging to claw, to reach the wants, the needs, the yearnings.
the music boomed in my ears-
deafening me from all logic and reason-love clouded my judgement-
He bombarded my mind.
Dreams steered my heart and abandonment guided my steps.
Among it all...I was at peace.
for chaos was the blinding light that was my comfort.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
My fears and dreams are in that bag, soon to be delivered.
He will read those words, but not see the tears and anguish that helped it form.
He will miss the emotion I've had to supress-
My heart that has been torn.
Will he rip it and blindly see red in anger directed at me?
Will he feel that inner girl that lives inside...that girl that few do see?
It's been four days now, since my insides were sent my that Mail Man who had no clue.
My mind wanders the possabilities that could occur when he reads those yearnings-
I wonder what he'll do.
Has he seen my writing, felt my pain and thrown it in the trash?
Or- has he closed his eyes as lost as me, yearning for the past?
I hope the day coms soon, for I can't endure it much longer.
I hope he doesn't keep silent in loss for a solution...
In all- I hope this makes me stronger.
For now I'll wait to see what is yet to be-
For Fate has an interesting plan.
I'll dry the tears and take a breath...
It's just one more grain of sand.
Desolation looked right back at her in defiance.
She smiled right back in good humor-
And, so represented the balance of her own.
She tested her laugh in the ripples of the stream,
stretched her hope in the rays of the Sun.
But, the one thing that held her in perplexity was the world that held her home.
Home was a foreign word-
One of those tales that began with, "Once upon a time..."
A place where families ate regular dinners at a table and not a T.V.
Where dreams were talked about and encouraged.
Dreams she kept to herself-
Dreams wee the fuel to her fire, the kindling of every day life.
Dreams here her home, a place that warmed her when the cold reality caused her strife.
She stared at her reflection in the water-
Desolation tainted her smile.
Hope won out in the end-
For it was what caused her to travel that extra mile.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
My mouth no longer salivated upon thought.
My stomach no longer rumbled at smells.
My mind no longer yearned for sustenance.
I was dreaming of emptiness... emotional emptiness. And, the only thing that kept me living was the hope that seared my cheeks in the form of fat, warm tears.
I awoke gasping and I vowed never to be empty. Life filled my lungs and I drifted...
Caught u in the turbulence of traffic. Crashing the emotions screech upon you. Yielding, the cautions creep to the lights that are awareness.
Life is a fabrication... amid truths and untruths that break upon me like the crashing see.
Let myself be caught up in the tide? Or, float upon the shore like a soul that is lifeless and has died?
Dreaming is a world that holds comfort,,,is that the floatation device that keeps me breathing?
There is a distant star among the clouds that is my focal point...My life's destination.
Can i make through the fabrications and hindrances to be the woman I know i can be, or will I be weighed down a thousand screaming souls clinging to nothingness and sink irresolutely into the void?
Truths left untold can only tell.
Heres to the stars...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Life is full of questions and let downs,
Rises and falls.
Do we all posses the ingenuity to pick ourselves up after every fallen plateau?
Can our smiles be so eternally ingrained in our daily routines that people no longer know when to hold out their hands?
Complications are more comfortable than happiness.
People come and go - so the saying states, but is any one person willing to hold on tight to those they don't want to let slip through their fingers?
Is fate a word everyone believes and lives by?
How can a clock run every life known to God?
Where did the simple things go?
Life is full of questions...
Does that mean death is full of answers?
So, if you don't enjoy poems or teen angst...UNfollow me. haha.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Turns out, if you have enough money...you can get a paturnity test and figure the whole thing out...UNLESS...you have MY life. 3 Tests...unconclusive on two and then negative on the other. hmmm...either Mom's a lady of the night or she really didn't understand the whole, "virtue" thing. Years pass. I still have an incling suspecioun...call it hope if you will. Grab 'ol Alkie's folicals and do my own test..send it in. MAYBE I will have the closure I need...newp! Comes back negative...REALLY?! FML!
Proceed over the next few years to make it on your own...Mom meets a guy off the internet and decides to move up North...so you are stuck either with the "step" family who HATE your Mother and make it a game to trash her in front of you, or leave the nest not REMOTELY ready to be out on your own. Moving up North is SO not an option. You make due...
For a High School drop out, who has no Daddy, Bio Dad wants nothing to do with her after shelling out too much dough to post on here for an impromtu check out session in Costa Rica for 6 months, followed by a random trip on a bus for 4 days to wherever I could get for 150.00 bucks...which landed me in Michigan of all places where "Dream Dad" to the rescue wired money for my not so quick bus trip home...4 months later.
Please que the violins...it's a pitty party, and I am inviting all of you! Anyways...I made it fine. Got a job driving a random nanny to and from work for free room and board for a year and landed myself a pretty great job selling tile and being taught how to be confident and talk my way out of anything while making incredible amounts of cash for an 18 year old... till I did what every 18 year old did and decided I hated what I was doing and changed directions...(In my defence, I worked for some pretty crazy people...)
Not sure where I am going with this...think I am about done getting all of this off of my chest. Oh yea! My point...so I hear from my Aunt (Bio Dad's sister) tonight. While I want to see her, want to talk and hang out and everything...I can not seem to be myself. I want to ask so many questions...the main one being, "WHY?!...why did he not want me? Why ignore all of the letters? All of the reaching out?"...
I mean...I was 16...I was 17...I was 18...I was 19...and then I stopped. No more letters. No more calls. No more reaching out. Clearly the Man wanted nothing to do with me, so why continue to break my own heart by putting myself out there? He helped me out money wise for a while the couple times I needed. He has 4 other kids...Yes, I was 16 when he found out about me. A lot of time passed that could never be recovered, but really? All of those ages have one thing in common, TEEN. I was just a baby. But, I've sustained that hurt till now. He's on Facebook...now he is my "friend".
Hi...I'm 26 and I have issues. DEEP ones. And, if you do not heal them at some point...they are gaping wounds for the rest of your life.
A heart full of hurt,
Mind full of thoughts...things unchanging.
People who make you think,
Sighs fill the air...love untaming.
Hands shaking in the night,
One last sip,
Take you to oblivion...smiles fake.
Longing just to be wanted,
How could you not see,
A mistake she made...that mistake me.
Selfish yearnings cast upon you,
Couldn't see the sunshine...becomes dark way too fast.
Didn't want much,
But, my want was vast,
Just be interested...want me at last.
Friday, July 24, 2009
I went outside for my nightly smoke and sat there for 10 whole minutes...that is right 10 WHOLE MINUTES, reading and smoking and when I came in the door and locked it, it dawned on me, NO JUNE BUGS! Not a single one.
I didn't have to sit there in fear, ready to swat at the first one that came within 5feet of me. No EVIL buzzing that made my skin crawl and hair stand on end. No sickening thuds against the wall as your eyes search the darkness for where it landed!
I am sure that my fear of this particular bug seems retarded, but it is my fear and I don't care. THEY SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME! Now I can be outside and not fret...I can night swim without them ending up in my hair and waking the neighbors with my squeeling. Yes, June Bugs make me squeel. Don't judge me.The rest of my summer will be spent in non freaking out, non buzzing bliss! Im so excited!
We head off to go camping in Dorst Creek on the 3rd. And, now I can fully turn my attention to the my fear of my running into a Black Bear. Sometimes fear just rules you. But, I am ok with that.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
#1~ When you see this person, even a photo, it makes you want to vomit up the tuna salad and wheat thins you had for Lunch.
#2~ The thought of them actually gives you goosebumps and makes your Gag reflex convulse.
#3~ You are catapulted back to being 16 and want to kick the living shit out of said person for ever even looking at your boyfriend (who is now your ex and has been for at least half of said decade)
#4~ The thought of this person makes your blood boil so hot, you have to sit in a cold shower and let the water cool you down)
Really? How lame am I that this person still gets under my skin every once in awhile when I go putzing around FB or Myspace? Pretty lame if you ask me, but I own up to it. It just explains the type of person I am just a little better, I am a past dweller...things remind me of certain aspects of my life and for the next two weeks to a month, it is all I can think about. I told you I was self possessed. Warned you all, and even myself. But, I still think I am lame. Accepted and MOVIN ON!
I was in love with this boy...like BIG time. For the good part of my life. OK...from 16 till a very smart person told me that it was ok to love your first love and never get over it. sooo I guess that part of me will always be in love with him. BUT, this person is not the one I hate and despise. THE WHORE...as I have always lovingly called her,is. So, for the next couple of weeks I will think of all the evil, cheating, gross, horrid things that she did to the Ex when he was NOT my Ex and silently seethe.
Im going to grow up someday...promise. Till then...hand me the mortal combat and let me get out my past aggressions.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Spent time at the pool most of the weekend with my Aunt and then had a Birthday party to go to for my cousin. At this very moment I am sitting at my Grandmother's computer, blasting music and editing pics...Gram isn't home so SCORE the music blasting and much needed alone time.
Speaking of alone time, lately I keep wondering if it is an issue that I love my alone time. Ok, I am NOT talking about the once in awhile time that is MUCH needed from time to time, I mean i FULLY enjoy being by myself. The MAJORITY of the time. As in, if I do not get it at least once a day, I turn into full blown bitch mode. Perhaps I should not have gotten married? Since he has yet to grasp the whole concept. Naw, I am happy being married. He just needs to get it! ha. Great...I am answering myself. Helllloooo Insanity!
I have an interview tomorrow. In Ontario...aka the 909 and I am not so hip on going, but Im waring with my desire to go to school full time and my desire for the Hubs and I to have our own place. I keep going over it again and again. I am pretty sure that with this much self reflection I should be considered a Narsasist. It really has to stop. I will most likely do both, nothing like burning the candle at both ends, right? RIGHT! Not to mention...if you are not married, let me just tell you that the amount of shit you recieve is astounding and when you do not get to play with those things in almost a year...it starts to make you feel like sitting in a corner and pick at imaginary sores.
16 minutes and 4...3...2...1 seconds till my photos are done uploading. Must head out and ready my stuff for the interview tomorrow. Just because my heart is not fully into it, does not mean I get to not sell the shit out of myself!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
When he is home he rarely does anything. Plays with the kids and stuff, but when it comes to helping her out, well...it just doesn't happen. So my question is...when did it become okay for a guy to think that just because a woman does not have a "conventional" job, that it is completely equal for him to just sit on his ass when he gets home? She may not be racking in the dough like he is, but she sure as hell is working all day long.
Am I wrong to think that when he gets home and has the time he needs to unwind that he should in turn work WITH the woman in taking care of the kids and say chores and what not? I don't think I am crazy. Because, in a conventional job you get those breaks...IE. lunch and two 15 minute breaks, but when you are taking care of two 3 year olds...breaks don't exist.
Some men REALLY just don't get it. It is like the line in, 'The Break Up' that Jennifer Aniston's character says, "I want you to WANT to do the dishes."
Now, I am extremely biased when it comes to Jude Deveraux novels. I adore EVERYTHING she writes. My favorite of her books being, 'A Knight in Shining Armor', seriously...if you ever want a good book to read to pass the time, it is perfect! Yes, it is a romance novel, but what is Summer reading for anyways?! Lavender Morning lived up to my high expectations for one of Jude's books...smart, funny and entertaining. Pick it up if you get the chance!
I saved the best for last. Truly an experience once you open the page and read the first words. I was rivetted and read this one in 3 hours. If I remember correctly, it is actually a 400 page book or somewhere around there. 'The Time Travelers Wife'
I laughed, I cried, I hurt, you name an emotion and you will feel it when reading this book. I just saw the trailer not to long ago about this becoming a movie, comes out August 14th, I will post the trailer on here as soon as I can locate it. But, definately a must read! I think I will reread it as soon as I finish Julie & Julia to freshen up before I see the movie. I do hope it lives up to the book!
Anyways, that is my Summer Reading list thus far! Any suggestions on books, please leave me a comment! I am open to anything but Thrillers...if you suggest one and I read it innocently, I will stalk you down and sleep in your bed so you can deal with the nightmares. True Story!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
I have been meaning to write, I swear. I spend a lot of my time on the computer looking for jobs, and wasting away on facebook, twitter and other things that are zapping my brain cells, but for some reason...writing is not in my daily "musts."
Turns out, dear Blog...Family is a full time job! One that you should totally get paid for! A cousin from Maryland came out for two weeks and Mom dropped in for a couple of days, birthdays and Family BBQ's and dinner parties...I mean, how does one keep up? Not to mention keep everyone cool with one another?
So, you can tell why I haven't written in awhile. This whole being unemployed thing is making me lazy. So, forgive me? I promise I have a lot to write and I will start paying more attention to you.
In the name of Baby Jesus~ Amen. Please, thank you and You're welcome.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Next up on the Music Feature of the week...or lately, Month! Is, The Ravonettes. New to me, but I stumbled upon them on iTunes as I was looking around for some new music. Kinda zone out music. I like them when I am cooking or backround music when I am reading or out at the pool. Relaxing :)
Hope you enjoy!
So, it has been awhile. Random thoughts I have had since my last post...ready, set...GO!
Was UNhappily surprised when I found out that Drew Carey took over for Bob Barker on the Price is Right. WTF?! I know Mr. Barker is old and all and, I DO love Drew, BUT! I WANT BOB BARKER BACK! How do I know about the Price is Right replacement? Because, a month ago I was let go from my job! Which was on a TUESDAY! It started bad but I am now enrolled in Fall Semester at OCC for CULINARY SCHOOL! WOOHOO!
I am afraid of chopping my fingers off. I hate blood...so I WILL pass out if that should happen!
Today there were a TON of WASPS outside out front door. I hate FLYING BUGS THAT CAN STING! I have, in fact never been stung. I plan on never being stung!
Being a Bum is not all that it is cracked up to be.
I have all the Seasons of Dawson's Creek on DVD and as of today have watched them 5 times in the last month.
The weather needs to get hotter.
If Black and White are not indeed colors, how is it that they help create so many?
The Animal Planet channel is the best thing invented, and have increased my fear of Monkeys!
And, that's all for now :)
How random where YOU today?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Fave songs include:
and, "You can do better than me."
Check them out...you wont be dissapointed :)
Very fitting for my life right now! Hope it speaks to you as well.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I have been mulling that question over and over in my head over the last couple of weeks and I still can not come up with an answer. Seems like an age old question asked by every person on this planet. You see, I lost my job a couple of weeks ago and found myself thrown in with the masses of unemployed people that I had felt sorry for.
I've thrown myself into the applying online and interviewing...selling myself for the things that I have been good at for so long, only to come up short. And, in that place where success does NOT breed success, I got to thinking about what I REALLY want. I don't want to be answering phones and keying orders into a system for the rest of my life. I want to pursue the things I am passionate about.
So what is it about that statement that seems so generic? Is it really that hard to do the things that you are passionate about? What holds everyone back from actually accomplishing those goals we set when we are young and have stars in our eyes? Do the hardships that we face growing up actually create the fear that makes us choose avenues in which just to "make it," ie: Pay the bills, get a house, start a family? Lots of questions that have my head spinning...or is that the vodka?
As I sit here writing about it...I can't help but think how pathetic it all is. Sure, I sit here with a cocktail and my brain buzzing with thoughts and ideas...but how is it different than sitting around a picnic table in the 8th grade with friends and Kool-Aid? Not much. And, I think, for the first time since I have been out of school, I have a purpose.
That purpose is to do what I want. To actually be happy in what I am doing. I am 26 years old and the world is my canvas. No more conformity, no more selling myself short just to make a living. I will struggle and do the things that make me happy...and then when it all clicks in place...I will search no more.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Anywho~ Here is the article that tells ya all about "Hamburger Month". Being the beef lover that I am, I had to fully represent. Have a Beefy night!!
White Castle Kicks Off 85th Anniversary by Celebrating National Hamburger Month
White Castle logo. (PRNewsFoto) COLUMBUS, OH USA
COLUMBUS, Ohio, April 27 /PRNewswire/ -- 2006 marks a monumental
anniversary for White Castle with 85 years of serving one-of-a-kind burgers
to Cravers everywhere. Since the company's founding in March of 1921, over
16 billion signature steam-grilled-on-a-bed-of-onions hamburgers have been
sold. Many events are scheduled throughout 2006 to mark the anniversary
including being the official sponsor of National Hamburger Month,
celebrated each May 1- 31. Team members from the home office can be found
working in select White Castle restaurants during the month of May in
celebration of employees working on the front lines. White Castle
celebrates National Hamburger Month in honor of America's favorite food.
Several anniversary events are planned throughout the year that allow
customers to be continually involved with the brand. The 15th annual Crave
Time Cook Off competition held in August encourages customers to submit a
unique recipe using 10 White Castle hamburgers and the chance to win a
Crave Case (30 burgers) a week for one year. A new recipe book, By the
Sackful: A Scrapbook with Recipes from 85 Years of Craving, has been
published with recipes from 15 years of Crave Time Cook Off recipe entries.
The book is available online at http://www.whatyoucrave.com and on http://www.Amazon.com.
Proceeds from the sale of the book will be donated to the non-profit group,
Turkeys 4 America, Inc. All Cravers are encouraged to tap into their
inspirational energies and invent a great new recipe. 2006 entries are due
by July 6.
Customers can also submit their ultimate Crave story in the 6th annual
Cravers Hall of Fame competition. They'll vie for the chance to come to
Columbus and be inducted into the hallowed Hall along with the likes of
members of the rock group The Smithereens and Harold and Kumar Go To White
Castle stars, John Cho and Kal Penn.
White Castle team members get steamed up for regional and national
Fastest Griddle Contest events to determine who can cook and sack 30
quality burgers in the least amount of time. This event lets White Castle
team members test their skills and become faster and even more quality
focused when making those one-of-a-kind hamburgers!
To learn about these events and more planned for the White Castle 85th
Anniversary, visit White Castle's website at http://www.whatyoucrave.com. In
addition another new website, http://www.truecastlestories.com, launched the
beginning of April as a forum for Cravers to come together to share their
White Castle experiences, talk together on message boards and browse other
White Castle was founded in 1921 in Wichita, Kansas. The company owns
and operates 398 units in 11 states and is considered to be the first fast
food hamburger restaurant."
I woke up this morning and all I am able to do is quote, "Ground Hog Day" Because...you know what? " I got you babe." This day is the exact replica of yesterday, and I KNOW I am headed down the path of insanity since the definition of Insanity is...in so many words of course...doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different end result. Admit it, you are insane too.
I picked up that cool little pic above here from a couple of the blogs I read. Seemed like a great idea to randomly post shit on a Tuesday...because nothing GOOD ever happens on a Tuesday (Thanks Ang!), so why the hell not be random?
I am eating soup while I type this. It sucks. C'mon skinny...
NO I am not dieting. The Hubs STILL isnt working so our food intake is pitiful. Im kidding. We eat fine. I am just lazy and do not want to go to the store or shove another damn hamburger into my hole.
It is national hamburger month. Go on, plug one down...you know you want to!
I am counting down the days till I am sitting in the lounge chair on Friday in sunny Palm Springs. Thank you to the Tennis Club for 19 years of letting me lay down on said lounge chairs. We go every Memorial Day weekend. It doesn't suck. The recently installed misters above the lounge chairs, so I am TOTALLY looking forward to THAT! Hell...maybe I will be so relaxed I will actually put the 4 years of Memorial Weekend tennis lessons to use and play a game or two.
It is amazing how that last paragraph makes me sound like a Yuppy. SO NOT A YUPPY! No offense to any Yuppies out there reading this. Who am I kidding? I have three followers? HA!
*If I happen to have more than 3 people who read this...please leave a comment and maybe I will put some effort into being amusing :) baaahhh prolly not! But, I would love to check out your blogs if I already do not and say hello!
Have a great day!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Hope your day is going well :)
Sometime After Midnight
And it starts...Sometime around midnight
Or at least that's whenYou lose yourself For a minute or two
As you stand...Under the barlights And the band plays some song About forgetting yourself for a while
And the piano's this melancholy soundcheck To her smile
And that white dress she's wearing
You haven't seen her For a while
But you know...
That she's watching
She's laughing, she's turning
She's holding her tonic like a crux
The room suddenly spinning
She walks up and asks how you are
So you can smell her perfume
You can see her lying naked in your arms
And so there's a change...In your emotions And all of these memories come rushing
Like feral waves to your mind Of the curl of your Bodies
Like two perfect circles entwined And you feel hopeless, and homelss
And lost in the haze Of the wine
And she leaves...With someone you don't know
But she makes sure you saw her
She looks right at you and bolts As she walks out the door
Your blood boiling
Your stomach in ropes
And when your friends say what is it You look like you've seen a ghost
And you walk...Under the streetlightsAnd you're too drunk to notice That everyone is staring at you
And you so care what you look like
The world is falling Around you
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
And you know that she'll break you In two
Monday, May 4, 2009
Of course, I have to start with the Nephew :)
A little blurring of the edges was all that was applied to this one. Blurred it on the iPhoto program.
Lifegaurd tower closer to the water...I needed a higher perpective though, so I drove up the hill a bit to feast my eyes on this:
Monday, April 20, 2009
Going to make this a post as well as a New Music Monday post.
I had an awesome Weekend. Hub’s family was there all last week and went home on Saturday morning, and while I love the in laws…it was quiiiiteee a crowded house. Not to mention my niece thinking that I had forgotten my name or something and even though I was giving her my undivided attention, had to say my name at the beginning of each sentence her little mouth formed. Uh…yea. Duct tape crossed my mind several hundred times…a minute.
After they went home I headed up to Hollyweird to see Mama Mia at the Pantages with my Aunt. We stop by this bar next door before we go in to see the play. It has become a ritual of sorts. It is called The Frolic Room. Been there a dozen times yet never knew the name. It gave me a chuckle because normally the people in this bar you definitely do NOT want to frolic with. There is this woman bar tender, who has had to have been there since this place opened and MAN would I love to go there and park my hiney down and listen to the stories that woman would tell me. By the look of her they would definitely be good ones.
Mama Mia was awesome. The movie does not do it justice, and it opened my eyes to ABBA in a completely different light; an enjoyable one. After the play we met my friend D who was down visiting from Oregon. She met a boy and it was adorable to watch them eat one another’s faces. A couple of my co-workers were there as well and a friend I used to work with. Made for a really kick ass night.
L.A. is a mind in its own. People lined up outside bars and clubs at 11:30 at night. Music pumping thru the air making the area around you totally alive, to the point where you can feel the sexiness…and that is just what L.A. is, sexy. Vegas may be the city that never sleeps, but L.A. is sexiness to the max. Not that I what so EVER wanted to go into those clubs. I’m passed my meat market days, and even when I was in them, dive bars were my specialty. Sigh…the comfort of a good dive bar.
Anyways! Onto the music…it’s a thought provoking week for me. I am on the cusp of a lot of change, I can feel it and ‘One Less Reason’ can always get me where I need to go in my head. Songs , “Pieces of You” , “You’re Beautiful Ending” and, “Sadly Smiling Through” are my favorite. The lyrics bring me back to a time when change was everything and I fought for it with brutality. Brings out the fighter in me! Hubs will find out if he landed his job interview this past Friday today or tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed! The change can’t come unless he is employed. AND BOY DO I NEED THAT! haha
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Hubs and I went to the Doc’s yesterday and talk about a roller coaster ride, sans the 4092 million dollars to get in to the park.
Normal “get undressed and put this on and I will be in within a few minutes.” Laying there trying to keep this robe on, answering all of his questions. “Lay back and lets check this out.” In my head I’m thinking…rock and roll, time to get groped! Not a pleasant feeling, and am I the only one who feels incredibly embarrassed when the doctor is checking your Kindle-ayas (or *insert your name here*-ayas) and you can totally feel your nips coming to attention? I am NOT aroused. This is NOT pleasant. Can you PLEASE remain at NON attention? Please and thank you. But, of course they do not listen and you are absolutely mortified? Hmm…maybe that is just me. So, I am watching his face as he is feeling me up and it’s not a happy face. This guy needs to be schooled in the art of bullshit, because your face is NOT making me happy at the moment. In fact, it is freaking me the fuck out. He asks me if this hurts, and pushes down hard. Um yea…you just tried to invert my breast. OF COURSE IT HURTS!
He covers me back up and says the stupidest thing a doctor has ever said to me, “Well, you have a lot of breast tissue…ehrmm, ahh I mean you have very large breasts.” Excuse me Captain Obvious…are you blushing? Talk about creep out factor. Maybe my nips gave him the wrong impression while standing at attention, but this is NOT a blushing matter. I didn’t respond. He recovered, thankfully.
“I don’t like the feel of that lump, so we are going to send you down to the lab to get blood work and a mammogram.” Great. Pancake city here I come. I got dressed and went down stairs with the paper he printed out without looking at it. Before I handed it to the lab tech I glanced at the paper and saw inscribed before me the holy bible written in the original Hebrew dialect. There were so many tests that I needed to give blood for, and let me just say, I did not sign up for Pancake breakfast AND giving blood. NEEDLES AND SMOOSHY BOOBS!? I almost threw myself on the floor and threw a tantrum like a toddler right then and there. At least channel the Mutt in me and dig my heels into the dirt like a dog who REALLY just wants to pee on that tree…and that tree and ooh! That tree too! But, I went. Took my shirt off for the second time within a half an hour and let the technician go to town.
Excuse me while I vomit real quick as I remember the pain and frustration of the worst 10 minutes of my life. Due to my “ehrmm, ahh very large breasts” the woman behind the mammogram machine could not get ALL of it in the death vise. So, for 5 minutes a boob she repeatedly smashed and re-smashed me. And, to all of you out there who told me mammograms are not THAT bad. LIARS!!! I went in there expecting the worst and it was WORSE. It felt like someone took two rocks and repeatedly stoned my breasts between them. It is amazing that I did not wake up black and blue this morning. So while the tears streamed down my cheeks as she repeated gnashed my breasts she finally said, “ok, we are done. We can draw your blood now.” I came very near to sobbing. Did I mention WORST DAY EVER?!
I don’t cry often. But, once I start, I have a very hard time stopping. So I sat there holding my boobs to my chest with one arm and the other outstretched on the table as they took my blood. Not just a vial…NINE! NINE TUBES OF MY BLOOD! So, all that Hebrew was nine different tests.
Finally she tapes me up and says I am free to go. I walked out of there like a dejected soldier just ambushed without a friend left in the world.
Bottom line…Mammogram inconclusive. Scheduled for ultra sound and possible biopsy on the 29th. Another day of torture as I like to call it. SIGH
Glad that that is all over. Thanks for the prayers and well wishes. As dooce says, “I’m going to go crouch in the corner and pick at non-existent sores now.” :0)
Monday, April 6, 2009
Twice I have almost cancelled my appointment. Not gonna lie, I will most likely burst into tears when they as me to remove my shirt and holster my bad boys into this contraption and not just smash it ONE way, but TWO! Can I scar after this? I hate doctors and hospitals…pretty sure more than the average human. Dr. says they are going to need to give me a shot or take blood and BAM! Insta-tears! I really am a baby.
This past weekend nearly put me over the edge. I’m just going to build a house on the cliff, so when I finally fall off the cliff of insanity, I only have to open the front door and fall to my doom. BFF’s Mom decided to attempt suicide. Apparently telling someone that they have an overdose with their name on it, while may be truth…isn’t the correct thing to say. Especially when they take that to heart. Oopse. I went to church this Sunday for that one. When normal shit hits the fan it hits and tiny shards rain down. Lately, when MY shit hits the fax, its wet shit and COVERS THE ROOM!
I’m knee deep at the moment and could really use a paddle. Ladder? Anyone?...Bueller?
Positive thinking is my thing. Got a whole lotta thinking going on. Thinkin away. Think some my way, if you get the chance. :0)
How do you all handle stressful situations?
Her hits right now include: ‘Chasing Pavement’ and a remake of, ‘Make you feel my love’. But, I would have to say that my favorite on this album is, ‘Hometown Glory’. I hope you enjoy her Album, ‘19’ and her voice as much as I do.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
So, I have compiled a list of my favorite PJ pants and the places/links to get them. Each one is special in a different way, and I love them all as I would if I had a bagazillion children:)
These are SO soft, and yes i spent 42.00 on PJ's. You spend most of your life sleeping...thousands on mattresses, why not 42.00 for the ultimate comfort WHILE in your uber expensive sleep number bed? I like the crop PJ pant because the long ones always end up where these end anyways, not to mention they are great for Summer! or running out for ice cream :)
Bermuda fishies!! Nothing screams "YAY PJ's" more than these! I love the ocean and these fishies make me happy as I pull them on. Not to mention they are 10.00!! Amen, Old Navy. These are light and airy. Feels like you have the bare minimum on!
And last but not least...I could not resist these. You cant wear them out, but MAN these slub shorts from VS are awesome to lounge in bed on a lazy Saturday. SO SO soft.
http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=CM-236653&page=1&cgname=OSSLPLOUBOT&rfnbr=5247 16.00 Victoria Secret.
All this talk of PJ's is making me sleepy.
Happy comfy slumbering!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
So I got in the shower when I got home and gave myself the “self exam.” There it was. Not hard but kind of squishy and moved with my fingers, but definitely a lump. I had the Hubs feel me up to double check. He confirmed my fears and tried to convince me to go to the Emergency Room. I have an appointment for a physical next Tuesday so I am going to wait until then.
In the mean time I named it ‘Lumpy’. Lumpy says Hi, by the way. We chilled today. Went to Sushi for lunch and just hung around. Lumps is really sensitive and not very understanding of my feelings at all. Which is why I decided that Lumpy is a Man. Only a man could hurt like a bitch and bring so much worry to someone.
Yes, I am trying to make light of the situation, but the bottom line is…I'm freaked. Breast Cancer has run rampant in my family for a long time, as well as cysts and crap like that. I will feel much better after I know what it is. But, if it is Cancer…I’m going to be pissed.
Figured I would feel much better if I wrote about it, and isn’t that what a blog is for? So, I am writing and yes…yes it feels good to let it all out.
In the mean time, if you are within a five mile radius of my Kindle-ayas…run. The nips are on the war path and you could be caught in the spitting pain being shot from them. Just a warning.
Monday, March 30, 2009
1 bag of Cheeto Puffs
Im kickin it up a notch this week. Shinedown blared in my ears this weekend to and from San Diego as I visited the Best Friend and Nephew. Had an awesome time. Will post pics and some funny convo's tonight when I get home from le'work. But, they are an awesome band. Been around for forever but totally do not get the proper YAHOO from local radio stations here in CA.
So, enjoy and have a fantabulous Monday (is there such a thing?)
Friday, March 27, 2009
this morning on the radio and this man was talking about Obama. I guess he is some dude who is petitioning for the release for the President’s Birth Certificate. He was really fired up about not seeing said Birth Certificate and not having any authenticity of Obama being a full on United States citizen. Here is the link that you can go to, to check out this whack job’s stats. http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=81550
Apparently there are some 300,000 signatures that have joined the band wagon of needing proof that Obama is legal and not an immigrant.
What irks me is, he is already the President of United States. OBVIOUSLY his records have already been checked out, otherwise he would not even been able to run, correct? Why do Politicians feel the need to exploit one another? And, not exploit on a factual basis…but on speculation and gossip stories.
I in no way follow the battiness of Politics. I’m a go with the flow, if the person that I vote for does not get elected, then you support who does. No matter who IS President. They ARE our leader. I believe that they are doing what they can to make this Country run better. Everyone has different ideas and thoughts on what will make it better, but the bottom line is there is one common goal to make our Country a better place. Lets focus on THAT and not try to take down what is already in place. It is a waste of energy, time and brain cells if you ask me. I think there are bigger fish to fry right now, with the way our Economy is. Take all of that hate and that hostility and apply it to conquering REAL problems.
Stop the madness. Seriously.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
So my favorite Blogger wrote a book and it came out today! Not sure if any of you are familiar with but, she is HIL...wait for it...ARIOUS! You should totally check out her site and her book.
It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita
by Heather Armstrong (Author)
You can get it here!
Let me just tell you, when I got turned onto this site, i laughed till i was seeing yellow (wow, yellow is the color of the day!!) I loved it so much that I went ALLLL the way back to the begining of her archives (she started her blog in 2001) and read from the begining. True story.
I adore hearing of her travels and how she has blown up fame wise and is still grounded and awesome. Anyways...check out her book. You wont be dissapointed. I mean, how could you with that title?
Im just sayin.
Clearly I needed to focus on something else, so why not the stall next to me! No I am not a peepee peeper, by no means am I. But, have you ever noticed other people's rituals. Mine for instance is, close door, paper cover, pants and sit. THIS person next to me took it wayyyy out perportion. i could hear the paper cover...shuffle shuffle. then...toilet paper? Being lined ON TOP of the paper cover. more shuffling. Shoe appears...so some bracing is going on. And then it happened. No sitting noise. none what so ever. And then the shower faucet was turned on and you could her the splatter. toilet paper and flush.
I waited a minute, trying not to judge. Trying not to GAG. Went about my business of course AFTER the supposed Tinkler had fled and peeked in the stall next to me. There it was...The Tinkler attacked. The stall a mess. I wanted to write a note on the bathroom stall walls. It would state,
" Dear Tinkler... YOU...YEA YOU! you did it again. you managed to cover the whole stall in toilet paper and paper covers and then you unleashed your beast and managed NOT TO HIT ANY TOILET PAPER. You did however hit everything within the 5 mile radius of your bum. SO gross man. Im on to you. You wear white sneakers with funky green laces. I'll find you..."
I didn't though. But, I did tell the cleaning lady there was a yellow light special on isle 4.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle).
This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
Today I wrote you a letter. A letter I will never forget.
I sat upon this very chair and slowly bowed my head.
Put pen upon the paper and just let the writing begin…
I wrote to you of days gone by. Of the things that you have missed.
I wrote to you of memories, of times we both cherished.
I explained the life I now lead, without you by my side.
I described the ocean you used to love, of the coming of the tide.
In the letter I poured my heart, and left you some lonely tears too.
In the letter I heard your voice talking back, I knew I hadn’t completely lost you.
I took this letter and put it in an envelope, an envelope with no address.
I took this letter to the shore with a bottle, a bottle that could accept natures stress.
I slipped in my letter and sealed the top, and let if fly with a vengeance.
I watched it fall and bobble to the surface, watching until I could only see its top edges.
Today I wrote you a letter. A letter you will never get.
Today I wrote you a letter. A letter I will never forget.
I sat down on the sand and wept and slowly bowed my head.
Raised my tear stained face to the heavens, and finally accepted your death.
You see, today I wrote myself a letter. A letter of goodbye.
Today I wrote myself a letter, to finally stop living a lie...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Normal day at work. On my way home, traffic. BAD traffic. What is WITH people who drive in Orange County? It used to be that their cell phones were glued to their heads, but THATS ILLEGAL NOW! Shouldn't that CLEAR some of the idiot-ness? Guess not.
Get home and there sitting at the counter with a steak bone in his mouth is the Hubs. Hi there unemployed sweetie...thanks for waiting for me to get home before you started eating. humph At least he asked how my day was?
I have yet to say two words since I got home. I think I am even annoyed to hear my own voice. No idea where this came from. Hope it goes away soon. But, for now I am going to eat some ice cream with that delish magic chocolate covering that gets hard as soon as it gets cold and watch ANTM.
ps...Tyra Banks is the bane of my existence, but I am a sucker for a good Reality TV trainwreck that I can not just say no to Tyra.
And, you have to have good photo editing software and such...so this would have to come with it...
iLife...Garageband...movie maker...iPhoto *sigh* Yes, a computer and a camera made me sigh.
Wanting these two things does not make me realistic, right? I truly beleive that if I had these things I could make some money off of them. Set some poetry to music...edit some artsy shots. Take pictures of kids in their natural environment and sell them to their parents as "school pictures" minus the stiff backround and the comb over!
Of course I would love to have a new car and a house and stuff, but I'll just start with these two :) Not OVERYLY materialistic if you ask me! Only about 5 grand worth of stuff. Stuff I can't take with me when I am dead. Can you smell the newness of it all? I am getting giddy just dreaming about it!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Me: Ok, lets go find her.
Twenty minutes later, not finding Daisy…
Kyle: Where’s Daisy?! Kyle wants to see Daisy!
Me: Daisy is sick love…we can’t see her today.
Kyle: oh. Daisy is sick. Poor Daisy. Where’s Donald?!
Me: Donald is working on his car.
Me: LOOK?! Buzz Lightyear!
She’s been my best friend for 18 years. I don’t have anything in my life that I have had longer than her. Well, besides my family. But, I can’t help that! I know our friendship is not going anywhere, but the easy access is a nice thing to have (that’s what he said).
We smoked out first cigarette together when we were 11. Don’t worry, it did not take! Mom was sleeping on the couch sawing logs and we were making pixie sticks. Most likely one of my hair brain ideas, I had so many while we were growing up. We looked in the freezer to see what else we could put into the straws to make the pixie sticks even more delish when low and behold…smokes! Yes, yes it was my idea to try them…see what she had to put up with all of these years? Two hair brained ideas in one night! You can imagine what it was like to be her while being my best friend. We snuck outside and lit it up. I don’t even think we inhaled and I am pretty sure we did not think we were cool at all, but it was experience none the less. One we would put away until we were at least 15. Then it was HER idea to try them again. Unfortunately…that time did stick. And, we’ve been adventure seeking smokers since.
We had an addiction to the wiji board on Friday nights. Nothing ever happened of course, but we always tried. And, of course I would be the one to make it move and pretend it was some dead relative because I could keep my face straight as I swore, “I'M NOT MOVING IT, PINKY PROMISE!” Clearly I broke a lot of pinky promises. But the important ones I would always keep.
She was the first person I called after losing my virginity. I remember telling her and then having my Step Dad drop me off at her house to spend the night to tell her the gory details. When our parents would fight or we would fight with our parents we always would “run away” to one another’s houses. Our imaginations led us from concerts as Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston when we were in elementary school to our first dates with guys we had crushes on. We told one another everything and nothing we could ever do would ever make us judge one another. Our friendship was and is to this day a place where no judgment exists…where we know one another’s deepest secrets and trust is just second nature.
When she gave birth to my nephew she became not only one of the biggest lights in my life, she created another glowing light.
She stood by me as I got married to the Hubs and offered to be the escape car if I had any second thoughts. We both have experienced our lives together. She is my sister of the heart and soul. Best Friend to the end…
Tomorrow she starts her life. The life I always knew she deserved, with the only man I ever thought deserved her. I’m getting teary eyed writing this, so I’m going to stop. Love you Candy…
You never know how an artist will be after their first album hits big...so I was pleasantly surprised that they stuck to who they are and created an even better second album.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
I can’t stop. It is the best thing in the world. SELF serve frozen yogurt with miles of flavors to choose from, then once you have chosen as many as you want there are millllleeess of toppings to add to it. coco pebbles…fresh fruit…I mean, how can you go wrong? Luckily I can not see my own ass as I walk.
THAT would be disturbing. So Ignorant bliss I choose! FROYO for president!
(we interrupt this program to enter a freak out mode...my twilight bootleg is SKIPPING and the real dvd does not come out for two weeks. IT BETTER WORK STILL!)
Well, I am addicted. I have found so many interesting people to read!! It is a fun little way to search thru blogs and make some choices in the mean time! Get to know yourself as you get to know other people! If you are interested, you can click on my widget (hope it starts working again soon...im hoping it is maintenance time or something?)
But, its fun!! And, good thing it is not working right now, because I need to get myself to bed!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
First off…here are the things I will say that are in her favor (or rather not against her)…I am not in her situation or her life to be able to properly judge her so the things I am saying about it are based on what we are fed thru the media and other avenues of information being “leaked” or told by her in her own testimonies. That said and put aside. I hate the woman. I hate everything that she has stated that she stands for. Loathe that doctors and the medical community that are even *thinking* about penalizing woman with REAL fertility issues. To think that these woman might have to jump thru hoops to have just one child, and here is this thing who has 14 of them! ( no, I will not call her a woman) I can not even put myself in her way of thinking. But of course I will state what I THINK she was thinking…
“Hmm…I live with my mother. I have six kids because I do not want to go out and find out if I can have children the ‘old fashioned’ way and there are no “men” in my life, so lets just go and get a sperm donor and inseminate myself to take away the loneliness of not having a man.“
Yes, I know that the same man fathered all the same children. POOR MAN! I hope to god he is hidden from all of this chaos, and if anything about him has surfaced. I got off of the octo-mom train awhile ago so there may be “new” facts to the story. But, I can’t deal. I had to stop watching the train wreck because I was afraid of what it was doing to my frail sanity.
Ok ok, the real reason why it infuriates me? Because the hubs and I have been trying to get preggo for a couple years now and no go. Did tests and what not…in short, I have a slim chance to have my own babies. Yes, I am well aware of the growing numbers of children every day who need good homes and that I could adopt. And, I am completely open to that idea! Looking forward to it actually. But, when you hear the words form out of a doctor’s mouth that the percentage of you having children is less than California becoming the next Antarctica…it does something to your insides. After the numbness and shock, there comes the desolation. Too strong of a word? Nope…don’t think so. It is like someone took the “O” out of woman when referring to me. Just not the same. Not whole. You just do not feel whole.
The single most basic reason Woman was created, and I can’t do it. Sure…you can try to have the octo-mom treatment but that turns out to be 25-30k down the tubes if it does not work. And, there is big fat chance that it might not. Chance. I hate that word. So, for someone to come out of the wood works and become famous, although not a “good” famous because she has so many babies she could lose one and not immediately notice, drives me batty. It is irresponsible and insensitive. It’s just her. Promise. I absolutely love John and Kate plus 8. That show cracks me up and I love the way they take care of their family.
Poor kids. That’s what I have to say in closing…poor precious babies.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Don't get me wrong, he is stubborn and I am sure we will have our share of struggles tomorrow, but not even that can take away my excitedness!! I am going to pick him up bright and early tomorrow morning, go to breakfast and then head on down to the Park where we will meet my Grandparents. Will put up some more pics when I get them all up on the computer.
Wish me luck!!!
*Saved by a woman
*Be here now
*Can you stay
*Hold you in my arms
I posted a play list of his music below my header. If you get the chance, listen to him. I know you will fall in love...just like I did. Such passion can not be ignored :)
I am going to try and change the play list at least once a week. Play songs that are effecting my life. Hopefully they will effect yours too!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Squaters beware. This post is about YOU. It is about how I walk into the ladies room to use the facilities and go from one stall to the next looking for the cleanest stall to do my business in. It is how at least ONE of the stalls I walk into looks like a sprinkler has gone off in the john. Decorating it with a thousand tiny droplets of yellow substance, how it makes me GAG to even be within close proximity of said sprinkler discharge. I’m gagging just thinking about it.
I understand hovering over the toilet after a layer of toilet paper has perfectly covered every inch of the toilet in a DIRTY bathroom. But, here at work, and I am not sure about everyone else’s work…but here at MY work, this bathroom I am pretty sure you could eat off of. The cleaning lady is cleaning that bathroom at LEAST three times a day. I know this, because every damn time I need to go to the bathroom, the little closed sign is perched right outside the door. So I stand there at least three times a day, legs crossed and dancing from side to side with puppy dog eyes waiting to ask the non English speaking cleaning lady when I can relieve myself. She laughs at me every time and shakes her head no. Right…because THAT helps me.
So, pardon me if I do not understand the need to hover and pretend to be a male cat SPRAYING all over the damn toilet. It is clean. It is NOT full of gross germs. Yes, it is a bathroom, but I am pretty sure that your toilet at home is not cleaned as thoroughly. Please for all sake that is holy…sit your damn ass on the toilet and urinate like a normal self. Hence the seat protectors…USE IT. And, let me stop wandering the stalls like a lost soul in search of a place to park my ass.
Please and thank you. Amen.