Thursday, July 30, 2009
Turns out, if you have enough money...you can get a paturnity test and figure the whole thing out...UNLESS...you have MY life. 3 Tests...unconclusive on two and then negative on the other. hmmm...either Mom's a lady of the night or she really didn't understand the whole, "virtue" thing. Years pass. I still have an incling suspecioun...call it hope if you will. Grab 'ol Alkie's folicals and do my own test..send it in. MAYBE I will have the closure I need...newp! Comes back negative...REALLY?! FML!
Proceed over the next few years to make it on your own...Mom meets a guy off the internet and decides to move up North...so you are stuck either with the "step" family who HATE your Mother and make it a game to trash her in front of you, or leave the nest not REMOTELY ready to be out on your own. Moving up North is SO not an option. You make due...
For a High School drop out, who has no Daddy, Bio Dad wants nothing to do with her after shelling out too much dough to post on here for an impromtu check out session in Costa Rica for 6 months, followed by a random trip on a bus for 4 days to wherever I could get for 150.00 bucks...which landed me in Michigan of all places where "Dream Dad" to the rescue wired money for my not so quick bus trip home...4 months later.
Please que the violins...it's a pitty party, and I am inviting all of you! Anyways...I made it fine. Got a job driving a random nanny to and from work for free room and board for a year and landed myself a pretty great job selling tile and being taught how to be confident and talk my way out of anything while making incredible amounts of cash for an 18 year old... till I did what every 18 year old did and decided I hated what I was doing and changed directions...(In my defence, I worked for some pretty crazy people...)
Not sure where I am going with this...think I am about done getting all of this off of my chest. Oh yea! My point...so I hear from my Aunt (Bio Dad's sister) tonight. While I want to see her, want to talk and hang out and everything...I can not seem to be myself. I want to ask so many questions...the main one being, "WHY?!...why did he not want me? Why ignore all of the letters? All of the reaching out?"...
I mean...I was 16...I was 17...I was 18...I was 19...and then I stopped. No more letters. No more calls. No more reaching out. Clearly the Man wanted nothing to do with me, so why continue to break my own heart by putting myself out there? He helped me out money wise for a while the couple times I needed. He has 4 other kids...Yes, I was 16 when he found out about me. A lot of time passed that could never be recovered, but really? All of those ages have one thing in common, TEEN. I was just a baby. But, I've sustained that hurt till now. He's on Facebook...now he is my "friend".
Hi...I'm 26 and I have issues. DEEP ones. And, if you do not heal them at some point...they are gaping wounds for the rest of your life.
A heart full of hurt,
Mind full of thoughts...things unchanging.
People who make you think,
Sighs fill the air...love untaming.
Hands shaking in the night,
One last sip,
Take you to oblivion...smiles fake.
Longing just to be wanted,
How could you not see,
A mistake she made...that mistake me.
Selfish yearnings cast upon you,
Couldn't see the sunshine...becomes dark way too fast.
Didn't want much,
But, my want was vast,
Just be interested...want me at last.
Friday, July 24, 2009
I went outside for my nightly smoke and sat there for 10 whole minutes...that is right 10 WHOLE MINUTES, reading and smoking and when I came in the door and locked it, it dawned on me, NO JUNE BUGS! Not a single one.
I didn't have to sit there in fear, ready to swat at the first one that came within 5feet of me. No EVIL buzzing that made my skin crawl and hair stand on end. No sickening thuds against the wall as your eyes search the darkness for where it landed!
I am sure that my fear of this particular bug seems retarded, but it is my fear and I don't care. THEY SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME! Now I can be outside and not fret...I can night swim without them ending up in my hair and waking the neighbors with my squeeling. Yes, June Bugs make me squeel. Don't judge me.The rest of my summer will be spent in non freaking out, non buzzing bliss! Im so excited!
We head off to go camping in Dorst Creek on the 3rd. And, now I can fully turn my attention to the my fear of my running into a Black Bear. Sometimes fear just rules you. But, I am ok with that.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
#1~ When you see this person, even a photo, it makes you want to vomit up the tuna salad and wheat thins you had for Lunch.
#2~ The thought of them actually gives you goosebumps and makes your Gag reflex convulse.
#3~ You are catapulted back to being 16 and want to kick the living shit out of said person for ever even looking at your boyfriend (who is now your ex and has been for at least half of said decade)
#4~ The thought of this person makes your blood boil so hot, you have to sit in a cold shower and let the water cool you down)
Really? How lame am I that this person still gets under my skin every once in awhile when I go putzing around FB or Myspace? Pretty lame if you ask me, but I own up to it. It just explains the type of person I am just a little better, I am a past dweller...things remind me of certain aspects of my life and for the next two weeks to a month, it is all I can think about. I told you I was self possessed. Warned you all, and even myself. But, I still think I am lame. Accepted and MOVIN ON!
I was in love with this boy...like BIG time. For the good part of my life. OK...from 16 till a very smart person told me that it was ok to love your first love and never get over it. sooo I guess that part of me will always be in love with him. BUT, this person is not the one I hate and despise. THE WHORE...as I have always lovingly called her,is. So, for the next couple of weeks I will think of all the evil, cheating, gross, horrid things that she did to the Ex when he was NOT my Ex and silently seethe.
Im going to grow up someday...promise. Till then...hand me the mortal combat and let me get out my past aggressions.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Spent time at the pool most of the weekend with my Aunt and then had a Birthday party to go to for my cousin. At this very moment I am sitting at my Grandmother's computer, blasting music and editing pics...Gram isn't home so SCORE the music blasting and much needed alone time.
Speaking of alone time, lately I keep wondering if it is an issue that I love my alone time. Ok, I am NOT talking about the once in awhile time that is MUCH needed from time to time, I mean i FULLY enjoy being by myself. The MAJORITY of the time. As in, if I do not get it at least once a day, I turn into full blown bitch mode. Perhaps I should not have gotten married? Since he has yet to grasp the whole concept. Naw, I am happy being married. He just needs to get it! ha. Great...I am answering myself. Helllloooo Insanity!
I have an interview tomorrow. In Ontario...aka the 909 and I am not so hip on going, but Im waring with my desire to go to school full time and my desire for the Hubs and I to have our own place. I keep going over it again and again. I am pretty sure that with this much self reflection I should be considered a Narsasist. It really has to stop. I will most likely do both, nothing like burning the candle at both ends, right? RIGHT! Not to mention...if you are not married, let me just tell you that the amount of shit you recieve is astounding and when you do not get to play with those things in almost a year...it starts to make you feel like sitting in a corner and pick at imaginary sores.
16 minutes and 4...3...2...1 seconds till my photos are done uploading. Must head out and ready my stuff for the interview tomorrow. Just because my heart is not fully into it, does not mean I get to not sell the shit out of myself!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
When he is home he rarely does anything. Plays with the kids and stuff, but when it comes to helping her out, well...it just doesn't happen. So my question is...when did it become okay for a guy to think that just because a woman does not have a "conventional" job, that it is completely equal for him to just sit on his ass when he gets home? She may not be racking in the dough like he is, but she sure as hell is working all day long.
Am I wrong to think that when he gets home and has the time he needs to unwind that he should in turn work WITH the woman in taking care of the kids and say chores and what not? I don't think I am crazy. Because, in a conventional job you get those breaks...IE. lunch and two 15 minute breaks, but when you are taking care of two 3 year olds...breaks don't exist.
Some men REALLY just don't get it. It is like the line in, 'The Break Up' that Jennifer Aniston's character says, "I want you to WANT to do the dishes."
Now, I am extremely biased when it comes to Jude Deveraux novels. I adore EVERYTHING she writes. My favorite of her books being, 'A Knight in Shining Armor', seriously...if you ever want a good book to read to pass the time, it is perfect! Yes, it is a romance novel, but what is Summer reading for anyways?! Lavender Morning lived up to my high expectations for one of Jude's books...smart, funny and entertaining. Pick it up if you get the chance!
I saved the best for last. Truly an experience once you open the page and read the first words. I was rivetted and read this one in 3 hours. If I remember correctly, it is actually a 400 page book or somewhere around there. 'The Time Travelers Wife'
I laughed, I cried, I hurt, you name an emotion and you will feel it when reading this book. I just saw the trailer not to long ago about this becoming a movie, comes out August 14th, I will post the trailer on here as soon as I can locate it. But, definately a must read! I think I will reread it as soon as I finish Julie & Julia to freshen up before I see the movie. I do hope it lives up to the book!
Anyways, that is my Summer Reading list thus far! Any suggestions on books, please leave me a comment! I am open to anything but Thrillers...if you suggest one and I read it innocently, I will stalk you down and sleep in your bed so you can deal with the nightmares. True Story!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
I have been meaning to write, I swear. I spend a lot of my time on the computer looking for jobs, and wasting away on facebook, twitter and other things that are zapping my brain cells, but for some reason...writing is not in my daily "musts."
Turns out, dear Blog...Family is a full time job! One that you should totally get paid for! A cousin from Maryland came out for two weeks and Mom dropped in for a couple of days, birthdays and Family BBQ's and dinner parties...I mean, how does one keep up? Not to mention keep everyone cool with one another?
So, you can tell why I haven't written in awhile. This whole being unemployed thing is making me lazy. So, forgive me? I promise I have a lot to write and I will start paying more attention to you.
In the name of Baby Jesus~ Amen. Please, thank you and You're welcome.