The Ravonettes

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Venting History...I need it.

I am a messed up person...yup, I said it. ISSUES! My EX shrink said that I married a 43 year old because I have "Daddy Issues". hmmm. You try being raised by an alcoholic father, then have your Mom get divorced only to remarry after 3 months of said divorce to an overbearing Italian THEN tell you after you have endured 16 years of CRAP home life that your "perfect" life was in vane...since none of these pricks are actually your "FATHER". Insert "Dream Dad" into the equasion. Here I am thinking...WOW...FINALLY! I knew I was different from everyone else in my family! Only...wait for it...New Bio Dad doesn't know that you are his. And....que the walls crashing down on you once again!

Turns out, if you have enough money...you can get a paturnity test and figure the whole thing out...UNLESS...you have MY life. 3 Tests...unconclusive on two and then negative on the other. hmmm...either Mom's a lady of the night or she really didn't understand the whole, "virtue" thing. Years pass. I still have an incling suspecioun...call it hope if you will. Grab 'ol Alkie's folicals and do my own test..send it in. MAYBE I will have the closure I need...newp! Comes back negative...REALLY?! FML!

Proceed over the next few years to make it on your own...Mom meets a guy off the internet and decides to move up North...so you are stuck either with the "step" family who HATE your Mother and make it a game to trash her in front of you, or leave the nest not REMOTELY ready to be out on your own. Moving up North is SO not an option. You make due...

For a High School drop out, who has no Daddy, Bio Dad wants nothing to do with her after shelling out too much dough to post on here for an impromtu check out session in Costa Rica for 6 months, followed by a random trip on a bus for 4 days to wherever I could get for 150.00 bucks...which landed me in Michigan of all places where "Dream Dad" to the rescue wired money for my not so quick bus trip home...4 months later.

Please que the violins...it's a pitty party, and I am inviting all of you! Anyways...I made it fine. Got a job driving a random nanny to and from work for free room and board for a year and landed myself a pretty great job selling tile and being taught how to be confident and talk my way out of anything while making incredible amounts of cash for an 18 year old... till I did what every 18 year old did and decided I hated what I was doing and changed directions...(In my defence, I worked for some pretty crazy people...)

Not sure where I am going with this...think I am about done getting all of this off of my chest. Oh yea! My point...so I hear from my Aunt (Bio Dad's sister) tonight. While I want to see her, want to talk and hang out and everything...I can not seem to be myself. I want to ask so many questions...the main one being, "WHY?!...why did he not want me? Why ignore all of the letters? All of the reaching out?"...

I mean...I was 16...I was 17...I was 18...I was 19...and then I stopped. No more letters. No more calls. No more reaching out. Clearly the Man wanted nothing to do with me, so why continue to break my own heart by putting myself out there? He helped me out money wise for a while the couple times I needed. He has 4 other kids...Yes, I was 16 when he found out about me. A lot of time passed that could never be recovered, but really? All of those ages have one thing in common, TEEN. I was just a baby. But, I've sustained that hurt till now. He's on Facebook...now he is my "friend".

Hi...I'm 26 and I have issues. DEEP ones. And, if you do not heal them at some point...they are gaping wounds for the rest of your life.

~

2 comments:

  1. I remember when you were selling tile. And cell phones.

    I'm sorry you've had it rough, sweetie pie. Some guys are douchebags, even daddies sometimes. *hugs*

    I'll always be your sis!

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  2. I love you tons...we dont talk much, cept on facebook but i keep tabs on ya to make sure you are ok. XOXOX thanks for being a constant solace in a world full of chaos.

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